This year in Bella's life is so long and involved, that I found I had to split it into three chapters.
Here is part 1. (Aurellacullen has suggested a tissue warning).
*************P*S*************
Chapter 9
- Present Day -
"Bella, how are you doing, really?" Alice asked from her comfy seat across the table from me, where she sat sipping her giant cup of coffee, "I want the truth please."
The expression on her face, one I'd seen many times before, told me that she would brook no argument.
I let out a breath and my shoulders sagged. "I can't fool you Alice. The truth is, I'm drained," I tried to smile, even as the tears filled my eyes. "It's been so hard trying to do this on my own, and even though it kills me to say it, I have to admit defeat."
Alice grinned and patted my hand comfortingly. "Well, we're here to help now, and Mom and Dad will be arriving tomorrow, and didn't you say Edward will be …."
My ears perked up at that, and I interrupted Alice before she could finish, "Tomorrow? I thought they weren't coming until next week."
"They changed their minds." She leaned forward then, grinning. "I think they're afraid they'll miss something, you know how they are about their grandchildren. And I'm sure that Grace pestered them to come early, she adores the beach."
I nodded and smiled at the thought of seeing Esme and Carlisle again. "What time will they arrive?"
Alice looked contemplative. "It won't be early; they're going to stop by to visit Daniel first."
"Oh. Of course," I immediately lost my smile, and despite Edward's warning from the night before, my mind was suddenly deluged with unpleasant memories of a time in my life that I would give anything to be able to forget…
-Autumn-Bella, age 16 years…
Tossin'. Turnin'. Dreams that weren't quite nightmares, but weren't pleasant ones either.
I wasn't sure if my subconscious was tryin' to tell me somethin', but I couldn't remember ever havin' such a restless night in my life. I would no sooner drift off to sleep when the dreams would start up again.
Every one began the same, although the physical locations would vary. Edward and me, together and happy, but then each and every time, I would stand by helplessly as he turned away from me with a sad smile on his handsome face, and disappear.
I would wake up disoriented, turn over in my bed, and eventually fall back to sleep, only to be awoken the next time that Edward vanished.
The last time it happened, I was dreamin' that we were at the beach. Edward and I were runnin' along holdin' hands and laughin', until we were out of sight of his family. It was somethin' we'd done often enough in reality. We would smile at one another and then sneak a kiss or two.
As I stood there, enjoyin' the feel of his lips on mine, Edward's attention was suddenly drawn to a solitary figure standin' a good distance away, at the water's edge.
When I took a closer look at what had distracted him, I realized he was starin' at his brother. Daniel smiled and gave us a little wave before turnin' and walkin' away. Edward stared after him for a long moment before lettin' go of me, and turnin' to follow him.
I wanted to go with them, but couldn't force my legs to move. My feet felt like dead weights keepin' me in place. I called after Edward, but he never acknowledged me, and never slowed his pace.
Just as I called his name for the last time, I heard him let out an anguished cry and drop to his knees in the sand. He leaned forward and clutched the sides of his head with both hands in a gesture of absolute despair.
My eyes flew open in a panic, and I sat straight up in bed. As I gasped for air, I took in my familiar surroundings in an attempt to ground myself. It was still dark, but the nightlight in the bathroom made it possible to see that I was in my room; everythin' was as I had left it the evenin' before. I could see my backpack lyin' beside the desk, my shoes and jeans in a heap in front of my closet door.
Even faced with the proof that I'd been merely dreamin', I couldn't shake the image from my mind of Edward on that beach, his body contorted in agony.
I glanced at the clock beside my bed and noted that it was just before five. Knowin' that it was too early to call Edward, but desperately needin' to calm my nerves, I decided to go downstairs and have a cup of tea.
After climbin' quietly from my bed, I made my way to the kitchen. Halfway down the stairs, I could hear my father movin' around, and wondered for a moment if I'd misread the clock.
He's supposed to be at work by now…
When I entered the room and found him at the table, stirrin' his coffee with one hand while he cradled his head in the other, I knew somethin' was terribly wrong.
After years of it bein' just the two of us in this house, I knew my father too well. I knew his routine, his moods, and the way he coped with stress. He had somethin' huge pressin' down on him, the weight almost too much for him to bear.
I contemplated returnin' to my room, not knowin' if I had the strength to face whatever he had been tryin' to work up the courage to tell me.
Instead I cleared my throat to let him know I was there. "Daddy, I thought you had to work today?"
He looked up at me, his eyes red-rimmed as he drew in a deep breath.
"Come sit by me baby," he gestured weakly to the chair beside him.
A knot formed in my stomach as I forced myself to walk stiffly over to the chair. As terrified as I was, I knew I needed to hear the worst of it.
"Daddy?" I asked in a whisper.
"I was planning to wake you soon," he said, reachin' to cover my hand with one of his. Then, in a surprisin' gesture he took that hand and grasped it between both of his. They were rough and warm like always, but not comfortin' like he'd intended.
I could barely breathe as I braced myself for what was comin' next.
"Bella, I got a phone call a couple of hours ago. There's been an accident," at his words, I was certain that my heart stopped beatin'. "It was from Carlisle's brother. He was calling friends and other family members to let them know that…"
Daddy cleared his throat before forcin' out the words, "Last night, at the school football game, some stupid kid, looking to get even with someone else, brought a gun. Somehow, Daniel and Edward were in the wrong place at the wrong time…" Daddy shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was about to say.
Oh God…
"Daniel got shot baby…"
"What?" I answered automatically.
Daddy just stared as I took a breath, my mind workin' out what his words meant. Or at least what I wanted them to mean.
"But… alright, that means he's in the hospital. He's goin' to be okay right?" By the lost expression in my father's eyes, I already knew the answer, but I hoped that by sayin' the words aloud, I could somehow make them true. "We need to go and see him," the desperation clearly soundin' in my voice.
Daddy kept a hold of my hand as he shook his head.
No…
No!
I shook my head right back at him as the tears filled my eyes. "Daddy, no. Daniel's got to be okay. It's not even possible for him not to be okay…" My voice caught in my throat as I pleaded with my Daddy to make this right.
Please
"I'm so sorry I have to tell you this," his voice cracked with emotion, "But Bella; he didn't make it baby. They worked on him for a long time, but they weren't able to save him."
I stared at my father in disbelief. "I don't understand." I didn't. It felt as if I'd had the wind knocked out of me. What he'd told me made no sense at all. It had to be a mistake. Daniel couldn't be gone. He was still a child. He would be turnin' thirteen next month and was plannin' a big birthday party to celebrate…
I was goin' to fly up for it…
Who the hell brings a gun to a football game anyway?
They have security at those things don't they?
Don't they?
This isn't happenin'.
Just… no.
"But…" I swallowed around the lump in my throat as the tears escaped my eyes.
I don't know how long I sat there, as a thousand different reasons why this shouldn't be happenin' played through my mind.
I didn't notice when my body began to tremble. I didn't notice when my Daddy pulled me onto his lap, cradlin' me against his chest like a small child as I sobbed.
Twelve year olds don't die
Well I suppose they did, but not Daniel Cullen. He was so full of life, always happy, always smilin'.
And Edward….
Edward was with him...
Oh God…
I could only imagine what Edward was goin' through. The sobs came louder and harder as I thought of the boy I loved, and his pain.
Almost as an afterthought I remembered Alice, Esme and Carlisle.
The guilt hit me hard when I realized that my first concern was for Edward without even a thought for the man and woman I loved like my own parents, and their daughter who was my very best friend in the world.
It was all too much…
Too much for my mind to comprehend.
Too much for my heart to endure.
My stomach churned and I bolted from my father's lap, barely makin' it to bathroom where I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
***P.S.***
I tried unsuccessfully to think about anythin' other than Daniel.
I thought over the items I'd hurriedly packed in my suitcase.
A black skirt and white blouse…
They were the closest things I had to 'mournin' attire'.
Mournin'
Was I in mournin'?
I didn't know. There was a part of me that still held out hope that once we arrived in Pennsylvania, we would discover that all this had been a terrible, awful mistake.
The larger part of me dreaded our arrival. I knew that as soon as I saw the Cullens, there would be no denyin' that this was all too real.
How could I face them and their pain?
How could I face Edward's?
How could I not?
I loved him. I loved them. They were as much my family as my Daddy…
That was the moment when the wall I'd kept around my heart all mornin' came crashin' down as memories of Daniel flooded my mind.
I loved Daniel too. I loved him as if he were my own brother. How could life ever be the same without him?
The answer was that it couldn't.
I turned my face toward the window and let the tears fall silently.
**Flashback**Daniel age 3
"Thunder Thunder Thunder Thundercats!" Daniel shouted, causin' us to turn and look in his direction.
Alice and I laughed so hard at the sight of Daniel, standin' in the doorway wearin' nothin' but his underwear and a tiger mask while wavin' a plastic sword, that we almost fell off the bed.
"Daniel Thomas Cullen, you come back here right now and get in this bathtub." Miss Esme hollered from the direction of her bathroom, causin' Daniel to let out a scream and run away.
***End flashback***
I glanced at the passin' cars; every now and then wonderin' where they were goin' on a Saturday mornin'. I had no doubt their plans were pleasant ones…
Oh how I wished that mine were.
Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.
'Cause I know you by heart.
***Flashback***Daniel Age 9***
Alice had no sooner exited the room when Daniel spoke, never takin' his eyes from the screen in front of him or releasin' the game controller he held in his hands. "Alice said that Edward's your boyfriend?" He said it more as a question than a statement of fact.
I shrugged, "I don't really know anymore…"
Daniel cut his eyes at me before goin' back to starin' at the screen, "If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't leave you to go play laser tag with stupid Jamie Hunter." He said in a huff.
I couldn't stop my lips from turnin' up into a small sad smile.
***End flashback***
I swallowed hard and fought the sick feelin' in my stomach, not wantin' Daddy to have to stop the car, not wantin' to delay our arrival by a single minute.
Now that we were on our way, I wanted desperately to be with the Cullens; to hug them, to grieve with them. I needed to see Edward. I needed to know that he was okay.
Okay? What is wrong with me?
He's never goin' to be okay…
None of us are.
I took a deep breath and watched the miles fly by.
Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
Its line is etched in my memory.
So I'd know you by heart.
***Flashback** Daniel Age 12***
"Merry Christmas Bella," Daniel said with a smile as he handed me a small gift, "This one's from me."
I opened the tiny package to find a small silver tiger charm inside.
"I know the tigers were your favorite…" He said. I looked up to find him blushin'.
"Oh Daniel, I love it." I told him with a smile as I threw my arms around his neck, givin' him a hug. "Thank you so much, I'm goin' to put it on my bracelet right now."
By the time I released him, the blush had travelled all the way to his ears.
***End flashback***
When Daddy pulled into the rest stop, I robotically climbed from the car and went inside. The girl that looked back at me from the reflection in the mirror was barely recognizable. It was obvious she's been cryin'. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes hollow…
I splashed some water on my face, but gave up on straightenin' my hair.
"Honey, are you okay?" A woman, a stranger, asked with concern. I looked at her reflection standin' beside my own, worry evident in her eyes. Heaven only knows what she thought was wrong with me.
"Do you need help?"
Normally, a moment like this would send my mind racin' with all the possibilities. She probably worried that I'd been kidnapped or was a runaway. I would never want anyone to think badly of my Daddy, so I would animatedly reassure her that I was perfectly fine.
But… I wasn't fine.
"I'm…" I looked down at the sink, starin' at nothin'.
I felt her hand touch my arm. "Please, let me help you…"
The feel of her hand on me caused my head to snap up and I turned to look at her. "No, I'm sorry. It's not what you think…"
I took a deep breath, not wantin' to say the words, not wantin' to make this real, and not wantin' to waste another moment that I needed to be with Edward… and Alice…
"I've got to go. Um, family emergency." With those words I bolted from the restroom and back to the car where Daddy was waitin'.
I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
Whispering like the wind.
***Flashback*** Daniel age 12***
"Ask Daniel about his 'girlfriend'," Alice made air quotes with her fingers and giggled.
Daniel looked down, his eyes glued to the sand.
"Stop it Alice," Edward scolded gently.
"Oh come on, she's really cute." Alice continued while Daniel got up and walked into the water, up to his knees.
I gave Alice a hard look before standin' to follow him.
"Hey." I said quietly once I stood beside him.
"Hey." He answered.
"Don't let Alice embarrass you," I told him. "You know better than I do how she is."
He nodded, but remained silent.
After a few minutes, I spoke again. "So, what's her name?"
I watched as his shoulders stiffened. "Daniel, I'm not goin' to tease you. For heaven's sake, I was only ten when Edward asked me to be his girlfriend. If there's someone special in your life, I'd like to meet her."
Daniel cleared his throat and peered over at me, "Promise not to tell Alice?"
"Cross my heart," I said with a giggle as I did exactly that with my finger.
Daniel laughed. "Her name's Shannon. She's really pretty and quiet. I like her, but she's not really my girlfriend." He shrugged. "Maybe she will be though…"
I smiled at him. "Does she like you?"
He nodded, "Yeah, she does."
Suddenly, I noticed a large wave rollin' toward us, I turned to face away from it, and Daniel did the same. We both laughed as it broke against our backs.
I'd been so preoccupied with our conversation, that I hadn't noticed Edward sneakin' up on me until it was too late. The next thing I knew, he was scoopin' me up in his arms and carryin' me away from Daniel into deeper water, as I laughed and screamed in protest.
***End flashback***
As we turned onto the street where the Cullens lived, Daddy reached over and patted my hand, in a gesture meant to be both comfortin' and reassurin'.
I looked around me, takin' note of the beautiful homes with their manicured lawns; each one graced with large trees whose leaves were alight with vibrant fall colors. Everythin' on the surface appeared calm, peaceful and serene; just as it had every time I'd visited.
You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.
'Cause I know you by heart,
***P*S***
So many people…
The driveway was crowded with cars that overflowed and lined both sides of the street in front of the house.
Daddy parked in front of a house two doors down from the Cullens'. While we walked, I reached out to hold his hand, clingin' to him; needin' his strength.
As we got closer, I could see groups of people huddled together between the cars in the driveway.
The first group appeared to be young, probably Daniel's age; the others were older, closer to Edward's and Alice's.
Some were cryin'.
All were distraught.
They gave us mournful looks as we passed. By this time, I was functionin' on autopilot, just goin' where my Daddy led me, dreadin' what I had to face; tremblin', knowin' that at any moment I was sure to fall apart.
We let ourselves in through the front door without knockin'. The foyer was filled with people. Just like the ones outside; they were huddled in groups, holdin' whispered conversations.
Once inside, Carlisle; who had been speakin' with another man, rushed over to us.
"Charlie," he said as he shook my Daddy's hand with a heavy sigh, and pulled him into a hug.
"Carlisle… I'm so sorry." Daddy's voice broke and Carlisle patted his back.
"So am I, Charlie," he answered as he let go of Daddy and pulled me close. "Bella, honey; I'm glad you're here."
I couldn't say anythin', the tears were streamin' down my face. I knew that if I opened my mouth, the only sound that would come out would be sobs.
"Come on honey, Esme said she wants to see you as soon as you arrive," as much as he had to be hurtin', Carlisle tried to give me a small smile.
He guided me and Daddy into the livin' room. There, seated on the sofa, was Esme; her face pale and her eyes red and swollen, as she held a weepin' Alice against her side.
"There they are," Esme exclaimed as she reached out with the arm that wasn't around Alice. "Charlie, thank you so much for coming, and thank you for bringing Bella to us."
I quickly moved to sit beside her. She pulled me close, holdin' me tight against her side as she kissed the top of my head. "Oh Bella baby," She began in a whisper. "Did they tell you what's happened sweetie?"
I nodded against her shoulder.
"We've lost our little boy Bella." Her voice broke and a sob escaped as Alice and I held onto her. "He's gone. I don't know what to do…" She took a shaky breath, "There's got to be something I can do…" She looked up at my Daddy who was still standin' by Carlisle, lookin' lost. "We have to take care of our children Charlie. Make sure you keep this angel safe…"
Alice reached over and grabbed my hand and held onto it tightly.
I don't know how long we sat there cryin' and holdin' each other before Carlisle interrupted. "Esme sweetheart, I think Bella may want to freshen up after her trip…"
Esme looked remorseful as she turned to me. "Oh, of course sweetheart, I'm sorry," she ran her hand over my cheek. "You go upstairs and I'll see you a little later on."
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I love you Esme."
"You've never called me Esme before." She whispered. "I think it's time though," she smiled softly. "I love you too Bella."
"Where's Edward?" I asked as soon as Carlisle and I were on the stairs and out of earshot of most of the guests. I was sick with worry when I didn't find him downstairs, but couldn't find it in my heart to pull away from Esme and Alice.
"Bella," Carlisle stopped walkin' and turned to face me once we were at the top of the stairs. "He's locked himself in his room." Carlisle looked completely broken as he explained, "As soon as we arrived home from the hospital, he came up here. He wouldn't let me in; he wouldn't even talk to me until I threatened to take the door off of the hinges. Then, he at least decided to answer so that I knew he was still alive." Carlisle rubbed his hands roughly over his face as he tried not to lose control.
"Everything has fallen apart. Thank God my brother and his wife were with us; I couldn't have handled Esme and Alice otherwise." He leaned back against the wall, the exhaustion and stress evident on his face. "I had to give Esme and Alice a mild sedative; they're still feeling the effects of it. But I don't know what to do for Edward if he won't even let me in," With those words, I watched Carlisle fall to pieces in front of me, the tears escapin' his eyes. "I've already lost one child…"
I reached for him and rubbed his arm soothingly as he wept into his hand.
"Let me try and talk to him." I whispered once he'd calmed.
He nodded and watched as, on shaky legs, I approached Edward's door. I knocked, but knew that wouldn't grant me access. He had to hear my voice. "Edward, it's Bella, please let me in."
Silence.
"Edward?"
A few seconds later I heard the click of the lock, just before the door slowly swung open.
The sight that greeted me was somethin' I would remember for the rest of my life. Edward stood in the doorway, his hair more disheveled than usual and his shoulders slumped. Tears filled my eyes as he stared blankly back at me.
He was broken…
"Oh my God Edward," Carlisle gasped from behind me.
Edward's eyes shot to his father's face. "No," he strangled out as he attempted to close the door again.
I threw my body against it to keep it open. "Stop, Edward."
"Just, not Dad… he can't see me like this," he said in a broken whisper.
"Carlisle, why don't you go back downstairs? I'll take care of him." I said softly.
I didn't think Carlisle could look any sadder than he did at that moment. He nodded before turnin' toward the stairs.
Once inside Edward's room, I locked the door and pulled him to me.
The deep wrenchin' sobs that took over his body as I held him nearly broke me. The force of the pain emanatin' from him was so powerful, so strong, that the air of the room was thick with it.
I let him cry.
I cried with him.
I held him.
We held each other.
Once the sobs had quieted, I pulled back to look at him.
My stomach lurched at the sight of the blood on his t-shirt. It wasn't a lot, but was enough to cause me to be concerned.
"Edward," I spoke soothingly as I touched the side of his face.
He didn't answer, but I knew he could hear me.
"Edward, the blood; are you hurt?"
He took a deep shudderin' breath and whispered the words that almost brought me to my knees. "It's Daniel's."
"Oh God." I pulled him against me once more and kissed his cheek. "Edward. Come with me," I said as I pulled him by the hand, leadin' him toward his bathroom.
Once inside, I put the lid down on the toilet and guided him until he was seated there. I stood in front of him and ran my fingers through his hair, not so much to tame it, as to soothe him. I could feel his warm breath through my t-shirt as he leaned his face against my stomach.
"Edward, I need you to help me remove your shirt."
He nodded slightly, lettin' me know he'd heard. As I lifted the blood-stained shirt over his head, I noticed the streaks of blood on his arms. I could only imagine what he'd gone through for them to be there. In the muted light of his bedroom, I hadn't noticed the blood on his jeans. I coaxed him to stand and removed those as well. "I don't know where my jacket went," he whispered as he stared at the wall. "I took it off and put it under Daniel's head…"
I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I turned on the water in the shower.
Edward stood by the shower door in only his boxerbriefs, one hand braced against the wall as I quietly undressed beside him. When I was left in only my bra and panties, I pulled him with me.
Once under the warm spray of the shower, he relaxed and leaned into me as all physical traces of the ordeal he'd lived through were washed away.
I spent the next several hours simply carin' for him, keepin' him with me, not allowin' him to slip away.
***P*S***
I closed my eyes, not wantin' to hear, but knowin' that Edward needed to say it.
"He was supposed to go with his friends to the movies. The plans were cancelled last minute as one of them had a virus or something…" He forced several deep breaths in and out before speakin' again.
"So he came with me to the game. We were leaving; the game over, when Jamie stopped me in the parking lot. I realized right away that he was drunk. As soon as he started talking shit about you, I walked away because I knew I'd get in trouble if I punched him. But he followed…"
I felt Edward's arms tighten around me then.
"It all happened so fast, some guy I vaguely recognized from school came out from between the parked cars and started threatening Jamie. I had no idea what was going on. I just wanted to get away from there and go home. I didn't even see the gun." He turned his head until he was breathin' into my hair. "Someone pushed me and I heard the shot."
Jamie Hunter
Would he never cease to plague our existence?
As I discovered later, Jamie had gotten some girl pregnant and then dumped her. She'd attempted suicide. Her brother went straight from the hospital to the football field when he discovered that Jamie would be at that game.
He waited for hours in that parkin' lot to confront him.
Even though he was drunk at the time, Jamie's reflexes had been good enough for him to jump away from the gun, crashin' into Edward. The bullet found the only standin' target.
From that day on, two families would never be the same. One child had lost his life; another his freedom, and all because of the actions of Jamie Hunter.
***P*S***
So had Alice.
Poor Carlisle looked as if he needed to be.
Edward refused the help his father offered. He said he wanted to feel every bit of the pain.
No matter what I said, I couldn't sway him to change his mind.
My Daddy kept givin' me sympathetic looks. I could tell he was worried about me.
I sighed and looked down at Daniel in the casket while Edward kept a fierce grip on my hand.
It was the single most surreal moment of my entire life.
***P*S***
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right, if I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen."
The minister finished readin' and closed his book. "That prayer was chosen by the Cullen family with the hope that it brings God's comfort and grace to those who knew and loved Daniel."
"Friends and family, as we gather together today, it is our fervent hope that the Lord will hear our prayers and begin to heal our troubled hearts, as we entrust our brother, Daniel Thomas Cullen into His loving arms."
"We ask for patience with each other and patience with ourselves as we leave this place and begin our lives without our beloved Daniel's physical presence. But, we know that Daniel is not truly gone from us. He is waiting in a place where we cannot yet follow."
"We would like to thank our Lord for the gift of Daniel in our lives. The time was far too short, but we thank Him for Daniel's kindness, his laughter, and his love, which we will cherish in our hearts forever."
Edward had been functionin' on auto-pilot for two days. I'd managed to get him to dress and to eat, but the rest of the time he just wanted to sleep or hold me as he lay awake in his bed. I couldn't see that my presence was helpin'much, but he said he couldn't have made it through the viewin' and the funeral without me.
Now, as we sat in the church, listenin' to the minister speak of a life taken too soon, I felt as if I may finally have reached my breakin' point. This moment here, where we're asked to understand because it's God's will, may finally be the thing that breaks me.
Edward's body, warm against my side reminded me of the reason I was here, and my mind calmed. I loved Daniel. I loved his family, and I loved Edward more than my life.
I needed to be here for them, to help them say goodbye; and for myself, knowin' that Daniel would carry a piece of my heart with him forever.
***P*S***
I glanced around at Edward's family, the worry and grief of the last few days etched upon each beautiful face.
How would they ever come back from this?
How would any of us?
At the end of the service, Esme and Carlisle both broke down as they lay their flowers on the casket. Edward helped his father, while Alice and I helped Esme ,make their way back down the path toward the limo.
Once we were inside, the car pulled away and passed silently from the gravesite.
I was surprised to see two groups of people apparently shoutin' angrily back and forth on either side of the cemetery gates as we passed through, and even more surprised to see they were bein' filmed by what must have been a local television news crew.
I let my eyes focus on the banners each side held in their hands, and realized that the limo was bein' flanked by both pro-gun and anti-gun protestors.
What the hell?
"Protestors at a funeral," Carlisle's brother muttered as he shook his head in disgust. "Now I've seen everything."
Esme sniffled. "They're attempting to use my son's death for some political advantage?" She asked in a small heartbroken voice as she shook her head. "I don't understand the human race… not at all."
***P*S***
As sad as things were around the Cullen house, I didn't look forward to goin' home. While I was with him, Edward functioned. Obviously he wasn't himself, but he didn't fight me when I prompted him to eat or shower or make an effort.
Left alone, I was afraid of what he would do.
Or more precisely, what he wouldn't do…
Carlisle was already handlin' so much with Esme and Alice, that I knew my presence was a great comfort to him. At least that was what he told me often enough.
Of all the days followin' the funeral, Friday night was the worst. The high school had sent word that the game that Friday was cancelled out of respect for the Cullen family.
With the settin' of the sun that evenin', a quiet creepin' despair settled on the house as each member of the family thought back to the events of a week before.
Edward drifted into an uneasy sleep that night, thrashin' around on the bed and wakin' up more than once in a cold sweat. I spent most of the night tryin' to calm him, but it seemed like I was fightin' a losin' battle.
"It's all my fault," he whispered between nightmares. "All my fault. If I hadn't ever been friends with that stupid fucking Jamie, none of this would have happened."
He turned his head into the pillow as deep gaspin' sobs escaped his body.
"Edward no, no," I argued while rubbin' his back; tryin' to talk some sense into him. "You can't blame yourself for what happened…"
"I can and I do," he answered in a hoarse voice. "How am I going to do it Bella? How am I going to get up every damned day and face the pain in my parents' eyes? And in Alice's, knowing that I'm the cause?"
"Edward, please," I was cryin' right along with him, but nothin' I said helped. He was determined to hate himself. "Don't do this to yourself…"
His cryin' quieted after a while and I thought he'd fallen asleep before he spoke again. "I don't deserve you."
I took a deep breath. "Yes you do."
"No," he insisted. "I don't deserve anything good."
"Edward what happened is not your fault." I gasped in desperation, "Can't you try to see that it was just a horrible, tragic accident? Blame the boy who pulled the trigger, blame Jamie if you want, but please, don't blame yourself."
He never answered me, and he never went back to sleep.
Two days later, we held each other in the lobby of the airport, neither wantin' to let go.
"If you need me, call. I can be here in five hours." I whispered in his ear as tears streamed down my face.
It didn't matter that I didn't have my license yet; I would find a way to be with him…
He nodded. "I'll be okay. I'm just going to concentrate on school, and I'll see you at Christmas." He answered quietly before kissin' me once more.
I walked away from him with a heavy heart, takin' one last glance at my broken boy before turnin' to board my plane.
Durin' the flight home, I openly wept as I remembered those warm, carefree summer days, when all I needed to cure my achin' heart was a popsicle given to me by the boy who owned my heart.
*******A/N******
A/N Obviously, in the 'present day' Alice is speaking of her parents visiting Daniel's grave before coming to Virginia.
Song Rec: 'I Know You By Heart' by Eva Cassidy
I'm on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories.
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