Chapter 12

Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. Her assistance, as always, has been invaluable. Muah! My dear.

Still a continuation of the year in Bella's life which started in chapter 9.
*************P*S*************

Chapter 12

-Spring-Bella, age 16 years…

Durin' the next month, I attempted to keep busy. It wasn't difficult seein' that I had school work to do, as well as applyin' for a summer job whilst also studyin' to get my driver's license. The day I received my license, Daddy had surprised me with a car he'd purchased a couple of months before, but had kept hidden at my Aunt and Uncle's house.

It was an old Subaru wagon, pale yellow exterior with tan seats, and although it had over a hundred thousand miles and more than a few dents in the body, I loved it from the moment Daddy handed me the keys.

There was no way that little car could ever compare to the vehicles that Edward and Alice owned, but I didn't care. All that mattered was that it was mine.



I still spoke with Edward almost every day, sometimes the conversations were strained, particularly followin' one of his therapy sessions; but if I was patient, the boy I'd fallen in love with would eventually surface.

He was slippin' further away with each passin' day, but I still foolishly clung to the hope that somehow I wouldn't lose him.

**P*S**

My prom was on the first Saturday in May. Edward arrived the evenin' before, my father makin' sure to rush to the door ahead of me to greet him. "Hey there, Edward." He said in almost a gleeful tone.

I stood behind him, rollin' my eyes, which caused Edward to laugh. But it didn't escape my notice that, even with the smile, he looked drawn and tired.

Daddy wasn't workin' until Saturday night, which gave him the perfect opportunity to hover all that day. It also killed any hope I had for some alone time with Edward.

Well, except for the prom itself.

When I descended the stairs in my dress, the sight of Edward waitin' for me took me back to the winter formal over a year before. How different our lives were now, but Edward still took my breath away.
"You're so beautiful," he murmured before we said our goodbyes to Daddy.

When we pulled into the parkin' lot of the 4-H conference center, I was suddenly glad that my prom was bein' held before Edward's.

This year, instead of holdin' the dance in the school gymnasium, as was typical, our class had participated in fundraiser after fundraiser to raise enough money to afford the conference center. The place couldn't hold a candle to the elegant hotel in downtown Philadelphia where we'd be the following weekend, but still, the wooded settin' on the banks of the lake was quite beautiful in its own right.

All that day, Edward had been tense and broodin'. His mood didn't improve after we'd arrived at prom; if anythin', it got worse. In the past, he'd used bourbon or another choice of liquor to cope when he was upset, so my nerves were on edge all evenin', worryin' that he'd make a trip out to his car and come back smellin' of alcohol.

It never happened though.

That's not to say however,that the evenin' still didn't end badly.

When we weren't dancin', we spent time with Cameron and Cheryl. At one point, when it got rather warm indoors, we all stepped outside to enjoy a breath of fresh air beside the lake. After a while, the boys left to refill our drinks, which gave Cheryl and me an opportunity to talk.

"How's everything going Bella?" she asked as she studied my face.

I shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"Maybe it's none of my business, but did you and Edward have a fight?"

I frowned. "No. What makes you think that?"

"It's just that you both seem really tense. Edward," she hesitated, "I don't know, he seems really pissed off about something."

I could feel my shoulders slump. I'd been holdin' out hope that maybe I was the only one aware of Edward's bad humor. "He's just got a lot on his plate right now. Some days are worse than others."

Cheryl nodded. "I get that Bella, you told me how he's holding himself responsible for what happened to his brother, but it doesn't give him an excuse to be so… abrupt with you. You're not a doormat."

I'd told Cheryl about what happened to Daniel, and Edward's reaction. Not everythin', but I'd told her more than I'd told anyone else.

Was Edward really that bad?

And if so, why hadn't I noticed?

I shook my head. "You don't understand. It's not like that. He's really very good to me." The statement wasn't completely true, but I preferred to think about how the old Edward treated me.

"All I know is that you've also been grieving, Bella. It's not fair that you have to carry the weight of your boyfriend's bad mood on your shoulders as well."

"No, Cheryl, you've got it all wrong…"

"Do I?" She looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Look, I'm your friend, and you'll always come first in my book. If you need to talk I'm here, okay?"

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks."

"But at the moment, I really need to pee. Do you want to come with?" She asked, changin' the subject, for which I was grateful.

"No, I'd better wait for the boys. Wouldn't want them to worry if they came back and we were both gone."

She grinned. "Oh, yeah. Good thinking Swan." She said with a wink before dartin' back toward the hall.

I stood watchin' how the moonlight reflected on the water, wishin' that the tension would just go away, and things could go back to the way they were before. Suddenly, a voice interrupted my thoughts. "Hey, Bella. You look beautiful tonight." I turned to find Mark standin' there smilin' at me.

"Thanks," I returned the smile. Mark was a nice guy, one of the few who hadn't picked on me durin' my awkward years. I'd felt a small measure of remorse when I'd turned down his request to be my prom date, but it couldn't be helped. I was Edward's, and Edward's alone.

"Did your boyfriend abandon you?" he asked as his eyes darted back toward the buildin'. The smile on his face told me he was jokin'.

"No, he went to get some refreshments."

"Oh, that explains it. The line's really long." He said with a knowin' smile.

I nodded and glanced around. "So, how about your date?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "She's um, in the ladies room."

When I'd introduced Edward to Mark, I hadn't missed the glare that Edward shot him; but I'd hoped that Mark had. Especially since his date had started talkin' very animatedly about how she went to Pennsylvania every summer to visit her cousins, babblin' on as if we'd all been friends for years.

I plastered on a fake smile. "She seems… nice."

He raised an eyebrow before we both broke down in laughter. "She's awful, Bella. She's the daughter of one of my Mom's friends and I didn't realize what she was like before I asked her to be my date. She never shuts up. This conversation, with you, is the most I've gotten to speak all night."

We laughed again.

He reached over and placed his hand on my forearm, "You were the one I really wanted as my date, but I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable." His touch was innocent enough, but I felt myself begin to pull away, not wantin' to give the wrong impression.

"Get your hands off of her!"

My head spun in the direction of the angry voice, only to find Edward stormin' toward us, his expression murderous. I vaguely registered Cameron and Cheryl trailin' behind him.

Before I could intervene, Edward had pushed against Mark's chest, causin' him to stumble backward. Thankfully he didn't fall.

"Edward!" I shouted. He never took his eyes off of Mark, not even to glance in my direction.

"What the hell's your problem man?" Mark shouted at him.

"My problem is that you put your fucking hands on my girl!"

"I touched her arm, you idiot. It's not like I did anything , Bella's not your property anyway, douchebag." I frowned at Mark's attempt to 'defend' me.

"Don't you even say her name," Edward yelled as he moved closer to Mark. I grabbed at his arm in a futile attempt to pull him back.

"Would you listen to yourself? What a dick." Mark glared at Edward before turnin' toward me, "Bella, you don't have to put up with this..."

"I told you not to say her fucking name!" Edward cut him off, and before anyone could stop him, his fist came flyin' up to meet the left side of Mark's face, the force of it knockin' him to the ground.

"Edward!" I shouted and lunged for his arm just in time for his elbow to hit me in the chest when he reared back, preparin' to hit Mark again; even while the poor boy was still on the ground. Thankfully, Cameron and a couple other guys were able to stop him that time.

I sat down on the grass, tryin' to catch my breath after havin' the wind knocked out of me by Edward's elbow.

Two boys from my class grabbed onto my boyfriend, and began to pull him away toward the front of the buildin', while Cameron and a couple others stayed with Mark. I watched in disbelief as Edward continued to shout obscenities until he was out of hearin' range.

Cheryl rushed over to me, and once I'd caught my breath, I stood and moved closer to Mark. "I'm so sorry," I began softly.

Mark was back on his feet by this time and I could already see the bruise formin' on his cheek.

"It's not your fault, Bella." He moved until he was standin' right in front of me. "He's got a hell of a temper though. I hope he doesn't ever take his anger out on you." I could hear the worry in his voice.

"No, Mark. Edward would never…" I trailed off realizin' that, until that moment, I didn't think him capable of hittin' another person without a good reason. "He's goin' through a lot right now. Please believe me, this isn't his typical behavior."

Mark nodded thoughtfully. "Just, promise me Bella that you won't stick around if he ever tries to hurt you. You deserve better."

I nodded but didn't answer. A crowd had formed around us, as everyone from inside the buildin' had suddenly poured forth through the doors.

I knew he was concerned about me, but I didn't want to have to defend Edward to Mark or to anyone else.
No matter how much I explained, they would never understand him the way I did.

I was on the verge of tears; humiliated in front of my classmates and teachers, but also worried about the boy I loved. I needed to find Edward, and make sure he was okay.

The worst part of it all was the guilt I felt over the fact that I'd somehow caused this.

Edward's temper was so unpredictable; I should have realized that it wasn't a good idea to allow myself to be alone with Mark.

I was a bundle of nerves as Cheryl silently placed her arm around my shoulders and we started walkin' in the direction we'd seen Edward go when he was led away.

My eyes almost bulged from their sockets when I caught sight of Edward leanin' against a police cruiser, while my Daddy stood in front of him frownin' and speakin' in a low voice.

"Daddy, what are you doin' here?" I practically shouted as we approached.

"I've been out here the whole time, Bells, working security for the prom."

Oh, no…

Part of me had hoped that my Daddy would never find out about the evenin's events.

He turned back to Edward then. "Normally, that means sitting in my cruiser doing crossword puzzles.

Unfortunately this year, Edward decided to make my evening a little more memorable."

Edward's face was pinched with worry, "Are you going to arrest me Chief?"

Daddy cocked his head to the side while studyin' Edward's face. "Should I?"

Edward shrugged, lookin' a little embarrassed. "Probably."

"I guess it all depends on what the boy you punched has to say." Daddy crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat before speakin' again. "Son, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want the truth."

Edward stared into my Daddy's eyes, and gave a small nod.

Daddy paused, still studyin' Edward's face as he spoke again, "I need to know if you're under the influence of any drugs or alcohol."

Edward shook his head. "Nothing, sir."

I knew it was the truth, for once. Daddy also seemed to accept his answer.

"Okay, well, I'm going to have a word with this other kid, and if he agrees not to press charges, then you may be off the hook." Daddy rubbed his hands over his face. "Have you calmed down enough to drive?"

Edward nodded. "Yes, Chief."

"Are you sure? Because I'm not entrusting you with the well-being of my little girl if you can't control yourself." Daddy asked in a stern tone.

"Yes, I'm fine. I swear."

Daddy rubbed the back of his neck and turned to face me. "Bells, are you okay to ride with Edward?"

"Of course." I answered in a quiet voice, keepin' my eyes on my Daddy's face.

He blew out a breath and shot another look at Edward. "Okay. It's probably best if you two leave. I'll see what I can do here, and then we'll speak when I get home, Edward."

Edward nodded. "Yes, sir."

Daddy gave me a quick hug before walkin' around the side of the buildin'.

Edward turned and began to walk toward his car. I followed silently until I felt a hand tug on my arm, holdin' me back.

"Bella, you don't have to do this. Cameron and I will give you a ride home."

Edward stopped and turned to face us, foldin' his arms across his chest as he regarded us carefully.

"It's okay, Cheryl. I'm fine. I'll call you tomorrow."

Edward quirked an eyebrow at her and smirked, knowin' he'd won.

What the hell was wrong with him?

In response, Cheryl glared at him. "You'd better watch yourself, Cullen. You may have the Chief fooled, but so help me," Cheryl practically growled, "if you hurt her, I will make you pay."

Edward didn't answer; instead he fixed his stare on me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded and without another word to Cheryl, followed him.

Edward was silent as we pulled out of the parkin' lot. I kept waitin' for the apology that I knew would come. Only it didn't.

He never uttered a single word until he pulled into my driveway. Then he cut the engine and turned to face me. I tensed when I saw the angry expression on his face. I couldn't imagine what he had to be angry about.

"I guess I should apologize for losing my temper, but I'm not sorry Bella." He stared at me, not an ounce of remorse visible in his expression. "I know what that fucker was thinking. He's just hoping for a chance to take you away from me."

"Edward, he was not…"

"Yes, he was." He ran his hand agitatedly through his hair. "Do you not understand what that does to me? Knowing that these assholes get to see you every day, when I can't?" He turned to stare through the windshield, focusin' on nothin' in particular. "I mean, I wouldn't blame you for choosing one of them over me. I've done nothing but fuck up your life."

All the fight seemed to go out of Edward then as his shoulders slumped and he let his head drop down to rest against the steerin' wheel.

My heart was heavy in my chest at the sight of him. I reached over and grasped his shoulder with my hand. "Hey," I whispered. He turned his head to look in my direction, a tortured expression on his face. "I love you. That's not gonna change no matter how many of my classmates you decide to punch or if you move away to live on the moon. No matter what you do, or where you go, always remember that." I assured him with a small smile; my words causin' his lips to turn up at the corners.

He reached for me, and there, in the confined space of Edward's car, we held tight to each other, preparin' to face whatever was to come.

We had just gone inside when Daddy arrived home. Thankfully, Mark had decided not to press charges, so Edward was in the clear. I made a note to thank him upon my return to school on Monday.

***P*S***

The next Friday evenin', I found myself on board a flight bound for Philadelphia.

I was a bit taken aback when it was Esme and Alice greetin' me at the airport instead of Edward, but tried my best not to let the hurt show. I hugged them both, smilin' at the fact that Esme's tummy was noticeably larger than it had been a month before.

When we pulled out of the parkin' deck and onto the highway, I finally worked up the courage to ask. "Where's Edward?"

"Um, he left the house after school to pick up his suit from the dry cleaners, but texted an hour ago saying that he wouldn't be able to make it to the airport." Alice explained. "I wanted to drive, but Mom wouldn't let me go alone." She smiled.

It was now after eight o'clock and I had a bad feelin', wonderin' where Edward could be.

Hours passed and still no Edward. I had sent a text to let him know I was at his house, but got no response.
By eleven o'clock I was weary and sad.

Alice was quiet as we got ready for bed. Once we were settled with the light out, she began to tell me in whispers, the things she hadn't confided over the phone. "I doubt Edward told you this when he was down there last weekend, but Mom and Dad laid down the law after you left in April. He's not allowed to go anywhere unless it's pre-approved by one of them, and Dad searches his room and car for alcohol every couple of days."

She sighed loudly. "I don't think he's gotten drunk since then, but he's been extremely hard to live with." She turned on her side to face me, proppin' her head on her hand. "He's going to be in big trouble with Dad for disappearing like this. Sometimes he seems to go out of his way to make everyone angry with him. It's like he's trying to make people hate him."

My heart ached. Edward was cryin' out for help, but nothin' anyone did seemed to make a difference.
I was utterly exhausted and sad to the core as I finally drifted off to sleep.

It was the sound of raised voices that woke me durin' the night. Alice groaned at the same moment that I sat up in bed. A glance at her bedside clock told me that it was two in the mornin'.

"I am sick and tired of this shit, Edward." Carlisle's voice drifted up to where Alice and I sat on the landin', eavesdroppin'. "Your mother and I have given you every opportunity to fix this behavior, but you seem determined to throw our trust back in our faces."

"It was a simple task Edward. You were supposed to pick up your suit and then Bella at the airport. Instead, you go missing and return God knows how many hours later, drunk. You've been driving around Philadelphia in this state; you could have hurt yourself or someone else." Carlisle was seethin' with anger.
"Did you even get the suit?"

I didn't hear Edward's answer.

"That's just great. Your girlfriend flew all the way up here for your prom and you can't even be bothered to do what you're supposed to. I guess you found a party, huh? Getting wasted and worrying your family, specifically your pregnant mother, was more important than anything else?"

"No, that's not how it was." Edward tried to defend, his voice a hoarse whisper.

"Like hell, Edward. But you know what? I don't want or care to hear your excuses. I'm done. I'm taking your keys. You will only be allowed to drive to and from school. Period. I shouldn't even allow you go tomorrow night, but that would hurt Bella more than you, not to mention that your sister has been looking forward to spending this weekend with you and Bella for ages."

"Was Bella very upset?" Edward asked; his tone remorseful.

"What do you think?" Carlisle snapped at him. "But don't worry, you know Bella, she keeps it all inside. She loves you so much that every hurt, every ounce of pain that you cause, is buried deep. No doubt she's already forgiven you for tonight, although you don't deserve it."

"I don't deserve her." Edward added in a whisper.

"Don't." His father challenged. "Don't you dare start feeling sorry for yourself and expect one ounce of pity from me. You screwed up. Now you need to man up to that fact and fix it."

"Girls," Esme's voice was soft, but it still caused me and Alice to jump. We turned to find her standin' behind us. "Go to bed." She directed with a small smile, although her eyes were sad.

We scrambled to our feet and disappeared into Alice's room, not hearin' any more of the conversation between Edward and his father.

It was impossible to fall back to sleep. After what seemed like forever, I heard Edward come upstairs, his tread was heavy as he approached Alice's door. There was silence as he paused, no doubt debatin' whether or not to come inside. After a moment, he continued on to his own room and shut the door.

I lay there starin' at the ceilin' not knowin' what to do. As much as I wanted to go to him, to comfort him, I couldn't bring myself to move. I played everythin' over in my mind that had happened since October; Edward's pitiful state after Daniel died, and his despair and anger which only seemed to get worse as time passed.

I needed to think, and that's exactly what I did.

I thought about what Carlisle had said. Edward had hurt me. I knew that if somehow hurtin' me helped him to get better, I would put up with it and more. Unfortunately, it wasn't helpin' in any way, shape or form.
If he continued along this path, somethin' awful was goin' to happen. I closed my eyes and prayed that Carlisle's tough love would help bring the Edward I loved, and missed, back to me.

***P*S***

The grey light of early dawn was peekin' through Alice's curtains when I stole from her bed and made my way to Edward's room. I quietly opened the door and crept inside.

Edward was lyin' across the bed on his stomach, snorin' softly. I resisted the urge to climb in beside him; instead I sat down on his desk chair and waited.

The scent of liquor and stale cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air. It could have been the result of bein' around others who had been smokin', but I couldn't help but wonder if Edward had developed a new habit durin' the past month. I shook my head and sighed.

The sound must have been louder than I intended because it caused Edward to stir. He blinked open his eyes and after a moment, gave me a sad smile before reachin' a hand toward me.

I walked over to the bed, and sat down beside him, placin' my hand in his. Eventually, he reached around my waist with his other arm and just held onto me.

He told me he was sorry.

I lied and said it was okay.

***P*S***

"Let's dance," Edward gave me a sexy smile before pullin' me onto the dance floor.

The evenin' had promised to be perfect. For once, Edward seemed to have shed his dark mood and was more like the boy from a year ago. We'd driven separately from Alice and Ryan, but had met up with them, and several of Edward's and Alice's friends, downtown for dinner.

An hour or so after arrivin' at the prom, Edward began to behave strangely. If I hadn't known better, I'd have sworn he'd been drinkin' but there was not even a hint of alcohol on his breath.

Later, as we danced I looked up to find him half-smilin' down at me just as one of his hands left the small of my back, movin' downward until it was splayed across my bottom. "Edward!" I whispered urgently, afraid of who might see. "Don't."

He didn't remove his hand. Instead, his smile grew bigger and he flexed his hips until I could feel his erection against my stomach. My mouth fell open in surprise and he leaned down until his lips were next to my ear. "Seems I've got a little problem, baby. You wanna help me take care of that?"

I could feel my face flamin' and I felt as if the eyes of everyone on the dance floor were trained on us. "Edward," I hissed, "this is embarrassin'; move your hand, please. People can see."

He laughed in response. "You've got the best ass out of any girl here, Bella; and I want everyone to know that you, and that fine ass, belong to me and no one else."

I swallowed hard before givin' him a pleadin' look. He hesitated a moment longer before lettin' out a frustrated sigh and movin' his hand up to rest on the small of my back once again.

I gazed up into his too dark eyes, not a hint of the beautiful green showin', and tried to understand what was happenin'. "Behave." I said in a whisper.

He snorted. "I'll try; but you're wasting time worrying about what other people think, Bella. I don't give a fuck." He looked away from me then. "I mean, no matter how good you try to be, the universe still finds a way to shit on you."

"Edward…"

"It's okay Bella." He shrugged and the smirk was back. "I'm okay."

He definitely wasn't okay. Somethin' was goin' on, but I was at a loss to figure it out.

"I need a drink." I blurted, wantin' nothin' more than to get off of that dance floor before we had a repeat of what happened before.

The prom was windin' down by then and I said goodbye to Alice, knowin' I'd see her at home soon.

Durin' the elevator ride to the parkin' deck, Edward used his body to press me against the wall. When he touched his lips to mine, and his hands began to wander, I was more than relieved that we were alone.

Even so, I wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation. When his tongue forced its way into my mouth, seekin' out mine and one of his hands cupped my breast, his thumb purposely grazin' the nipple through the thin fabric, part of me wanted to melt into his kiss, his touch, while another part wanted to fight against him.

He wasn't my Edward at that moment, he was somebody else.

Thankfully, just as I was about to push him away, the elevator chimed, signalin' that we'd reached the parkin' deck.

As we drove away from the hotel, it didn't take long for me to notice that we weren't headed in the direction of Edward's house. "Where are we goin'?"

"To a party," he answered simply.

About ten minutes later, he parked the car in front of a shabby lookin' apartment buildin'. As we made our way inside, he explained further. "The people who live here, Chelsea and her boyfriend JD, used to go to our school."

Once on the fourth floor, we stopped in front of apartment 4D and he knocked.

A tall boy with dark hair and pale, unhealthy lookin' skin answered, and I vaguely remembered seein' him at the prom.

"Hey man, what took you so long?" He asked Edward before unashamedly checkin' me out. Edward didn't have a chance to answer before the boy was openin' the door wide and turnin' toward the other people in the room. "Cullen's here, time to get this party started." A couple of hoots sounded from inside.

A short time later, I was seated sideways across Edward's lap on a dingy grey sofa while people all around us were drinkin' and smokin'. I was disappointed when Edward took an offered beer. I hoped he didn't drink too much, because I had no desire to try and drive his car through the streets of Philadelphia.

When Edward left the room to talk in private with the boy who had answered the door, I suddenly found myself alone in a room full of strangers. I felt awkward and out of place as I sat there listenin' without sayin' a word. It turned out that JD, a big muscular guy, who was entertainin' everyone with stories of how he used to skip school in order to get high with his buddies, was in his twenties.

At first, I couldn't understand why a bunch of high school kids were hangin' out with him; but then I remembered my Daddy tellin' me about a boy livin' in the next town over from us, who used to go to my school. His home had become a flop house of sorts for underage kids. It was where they went to find whatever they were lookin' for, be it drugs or alcohol. I shuddered at the thought and wondered how often Edward frequented this apartment.

Lost in my own head, I wasn't aware that there was someone standin' in front of me until she spoke. "Here," I looked up to see a girl with pink streaks in her hair, offerin' me a beer. I definitely hadn't seen her at the prom. When I declined the drink, she got a little hostile. "Come on, don't be a pussy", she chided, "everyone has to drink here, it's a rule."

I could tell she was either drunk or high, and I bit my lip before givin' her another small shake of my head. "No, but thanks for offerin'," I said, tryin' to sound appreciative.

"What's your problem, our beer not good enough for you, little miss prom queen?" She sneered as she batted at the material of my dress with her free hand.

"Chelsea, leave her alone," I looked behind the pink-haired girl to find Amber standin' there. Amber, the girl I'd first laid eyes on years ago, around the time she was attemptin' to steal my boyfriend. The same Amber I'd seen last year at the winter formal and again this evenin' at prom. I noticed that she'd changed out of her dress and was clothed in tight jeans and a low-cut top, drinkin' a beer of her own as she eyed me with curiosity. My mouth fell open in surprise. First, surprise at seein' her there; and second, surprise that she'd defended me. "She doesn't party. You're a goody goody aren't you little Swan?"

Her words made me think of Jamie, the only other person to call me that. So, maybe Amber wasn't bein' nice after all.

Chelsea laughed, "Why did you call her that?"

"Cause that's her last name." Amber laughed before takin' a long sip of her beer.

Chelsea cackled loudly. "She can only be so good if she's with Cullen." She continued to talk to Amber as if I wasn't there. "But if he's with her, at least that explains why he won't hook up with you. I mean, you practically gave him a lap dance last time he was here. I was beginning to think he was gay." Chelsea continued to cackle, while I felt sick.

"Shut the fuck up, whore." Amber muttered. Chelsea merely laughed again.

My head was spinnin' with thoughts of Amber throwin' herself at a drunken Edward. I needed to get out of there. The room felt crowded and too loud, makin' it difficult to breathe.

I stood swiftly and brushed past the girls, "Ohhh," Chelsea exclaimed, "I think I hit a nerve," their laughter rang in my ears as I turned down the hallway in search of a bathroom.

My plan was to lock myself inside until Edward found me.

It wasn't a very good plan.

The first door I came to was partially open so I reached inside to switch on the light, only to find that it was a bedroom, not a bathroom. As soon as I spied the half-naked couple; the boy seated on the bed, the girl on the floor with her head in his lap, I switched the light off again, grabbin' for the doorknob in order to close the door behind me as I fled. The muffled cries of protest from the couple inside followed me as I made my escape. I was so flustered that I almost bumped into another couple who were practically havin' sex right there against a wall.

Oh my God…

I finally found the bathroom behind the next door I tried. Thankfully, the room was unoccupied. So I locked myself inside.

I stood with my back against the door for a moment, shakin' all over, as I tried to catch my breath. These people were awful. I had visions of the police arrivin' and arrestin' me along with everyone else, and then havin' to explain things to my Daddy.

I didn't know what Edward could have been thinkin' by bringin' me here, and he'd surely lost his mind by goin' off and leavin' me alone the way he had.

I felt the anger start to build; and this time, I didn't fight it.

After takin' a few minutes to use the facilities and pull myself together, I drew in a deep breath and stared in the mirror; willin' myself to march out there, find Edward, and insist that he take me home immediately.
I would brook no argument. I was a woman on a mission.

When I arrived back in the livin' room, I didn't have a chance to feel relieved over the fact that Edward had returned, because my attention was drawn to the figure perched beside him on the arm of the sofa. Amber was talkin' and laughin' with my boyfriend, while she ran her fingertips down the front of his shirt.

I never knew that I was capable of feelin' the level of jealousy that I felt at that moment.

I stormed over toward them, barely registerin' the smirk on Chelsea's face as I passed her. "Edward." I said in a voice louder than usual.

His head popped up and he smiled widely. "Hey, baby. Where'd you go?" He reached for me, tryin' to pull me down, but Amber was too close. She just stared back and forth between me and Edward; I arched my eyebrow and glared. In response, she rolled her eyes and moved off the arm of the sofa, and away from us.

Finally.

Once seated back on Edward's lap, I continued usin' the forceful tone. "Edward, I want to go home."

He leaned in until his forehead was touchin' mine. "I'm too fucked up, baby. We need to wait a little while." His eyes were blacker than before, and the way he spoke reminded me of the times he'd been really drunk.
He'd only had two beers that I knew of…

I frowned, knowin' that he couldn't drive in that state.

Durin' the next hour or so, I plied Edward with Mountain Dew and huffed in displeasure at the boy who offered him a joint, refusin' it before Edward had a chance to answer for himself.

When I deemed he was sober enough, I stood from his lap and grabbed his hand. "Come on, we're leavin'."
He frowned. I could tell that he was tryin' to come up with a reason to stay, but couldn't imagine at this point why he'd want to...

"Baby, I think…"

I folded my arms across my chest, lettin' my temper flare; Edward hadn't seen this side of me in a very long time. "That's the problem, Edward. You're not thinkin'. I don't want to be here any longer. We're leavin' now, so get your ass up off that sofa and move it."

His eyes opened wide in surprise, while the sound of muffled laughter sounded around us. I also heard a couple of voices murmur the word 'bitch'. I turned and shot a glare for all of them to see.

I was done playin'.

When I looked back at Edward, he was pushin' up from the sofa and looked as if he was goin' to leave without further argument. That was until Phillip, the boy who'd answered the door, spoke, "Wow Cullen, I never figured you for being pussy-whipped." He blurted out a laugh; everyone in the room joinin' in. I felt Edward stiffen beside me.

I looked up at his face to find him starin' down at me with cold, black eyes. His smirk had turned into more of a scowl. This time, it was Edward who crossed his arms over his chest, "You're so impatient, baby. So eager." He was usin' a teasin' tone, but there was an edge to it, "You wanna fuck in the car so that we don't have to wait until we get home?"

The room exploded with cat calls, whoops and hollers from every direction. I could feel my cheeks flame instantly.

I was absolutely mortified.

At that moment, I wished for nothin' more than for the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

I looked up at him, knowin' he could see the hurt in my eyes.

Why? Why would he shame me like this?

Just like the week before, when he'd punched Mark; Edward showed no sign of remorse for what he'd done.

I could feel my eyes fillin' with tears, but there was no way I was allowin' anyone in that room, includin' Edward, to have the satisfaction of seein' me cry. Without another word, I turned and headed towards the door.

He caught up with me in the hallway, and tried to grab my arm. I pulled away. "Don't touch me!"

"Come on, Bella."

I didn't acknowledge him.

When the elevator arrived, I wasn't surprised that he followed me inside. I continued to cry quietly until we reached the ground floor. When I stepped outside the doors, he suddenly grabbed me again and pinned me against the wall. "Stop it!" I practically shouted the words as I tried to push him away.

He wouldn't budge; but instead began attackin' my neck with his lips. "Don't be like that. You know you love me. Come on," his voice dropped to a whisper as he left sloppy kisses all over the exposed skin of my shoulders and chest.

I continued to struggle.

"Come on, baby, let me make you feel good." He reached his hand under my dress and began to slip his fingers under the material of my panties.

I sobbed loudly. "Get away from me!" I wailed before givin' one last push against his chest. His head shot up and his entire body stiffened as he stared at my face.

I hoped he'd finally gotten the message.

I forced myself to look into Edward's dark eyes, while his arms formed a cage on either side of me, keepin' me pinned against the dirty wall. "So what's this really about, Bella? This little act you're putting on? You don't want me to touch you? Since when?"

"You're still drunk or high, Edward. You're not actin' like yourself. I want you to leave me alone until you are sober." I stuttered out between my tears.

"Leave you alone? Do you want to break up with me? Why Bella? So when you get back to Virginia you can fuck Mark with a clear conscience?"

I gasped at his words.

"That would be perfect, wouldn't it? I break up with you, and then you're free to do whatever you want." He grasped my upper arms, holdin' them tightly while pullin' me toward him until our lips almost touched. "I won't fucking do it, you're mine and no one else's." He tried to kiss me again and I turned my head. "Stop being a bitch." He growled before graspin' my face and turnin' it so I was forced to kiss him.

I wasn't sure where I found the courage to do what I did next, but instead of returnin' the kiss, I bit down on his bottom lip, hard enough to make him pull away and curse loudly.

I used the fact that he was distracted to escape from him and run through the front door of the buildin'. Outside, he chased me and grabbed my arm again. "Bella, wait."

I shook my head furiously while tryin' to pull away.

Edward kept a tight grip on my wrist. "Bella, please." He paused, "Look, I'm sorry, I was out of line; just stop and talk to me."

I whirled around to face him then.

He was much stronger than me. I was never gonna be able to fight him off. My best hope was to try and make him see reason.

I took a deep breath.

"Let go of me first."

He complied and held his hands up in surrender.

I stared at him for a moment, tears streamin' down my face. "Who are you?" I asked angrily. "Because the boy I've known and loved for over ten years would never say such horrible things to me." I gestured toward the buildin' with my hand. "He would have never taken me here, and left me alone with those people, and then humiliated me in front of everyone." I sobbed loudly and wiped at my eyes. "You accuse me of wantin' to cheat on you, when you've done Gods-knows-what with Amber."

His eyes opened wide at my accusation. "Bella, I never…"

"Just shut up, Edward." I rubbed my eyes again, knownin' I'd most likely ruined my makeup. "You made me feel like some cheap whore."

"Bella, I'm sorry. Please," his voice was pleadin' now.

I held up a hand to silence him and took a deep breath. "I have tried so hard, Edward, but instead of treatin' me as if you actually care for me, you call me a bitch. I expect that from them," I pointed toward the buildin' again, "but not from you." Edward winced at my words. "I just don't know you anymore." I turned away from him then and pulled my phone from my purse. He stood watchin' me with his hands shoved in his pockets, lookin' sufficiently chastised.

"What are you doing?" He asked softly.

"I'm callin' a cab, Edward. Goodnight."

He stood there starin' at me with his mouth hangin' open, before his expression suddenly turned livid. "What the hell? Bella, put the phone away, you're not calling a fucking cab!"

"Well, I'm not ridin' with you!" I shouted right back at him and we stood there toe to toe glarin' at one another, neither one prepared to yield.

The sudden ringin' of the phone in my hand was what broke our concentration.

I looked down at the screen and whispered the name aloud, "Alice."

"Hi, Alice."

"Hey, Bella. Are you guys alright?"

"Oh, sure." I answered, hopin' she couldn't tell over the phone that I'd been cryin'.

"Well, where are you? I thought you were coming straight home?"

"No, um," I looked up at Edward, the angry expression havin' been replaced by one of worry. I decided that, as upset as I was with him, I couldn't get him in trouble with his family.

Thinkin' about where we'd gone after winter formal the year before, I came up with a lie. "Edward took me to a little coffee shop. We're just finishin' our cheesecake now."

"Oh, I see," her voice immediately sounded brighter. "That sounds nice. Well, I'll see you soon."

"Okay, bye Alice."

The thought of upsettin' Esme, Alice and Carlisle with the news of Edward's treatment of me was enough to cause all the fight to leave my body.

He'd humiliated me. He'd called me names. He'd practically forced himself on me in the hallway. But despite everythin', I still loved him beyond all reason.

"Take me home." I stated quietly as I moved past him toward his car.

We rode in silence for a while, before he broke it. "You lied to her," he said in almost a whisper.

I looked over to find some semblance of my Edward glancin' back at me. "After I'd been such an asshole to you, you lied for me."

"Call me a fool, but I still love you, despite everythin'." I turned to stare out of my window.

"Oh, Bella. God, I'm so sorry." His voice cracked with emotion, but I refused to look at him. "I just get so angry. I don't know where all that shit came from that I said. I swear I didn't mean it…"

"Save it, Edward. I need quiet so I can think."

"Okay," was his whispered response.

Arrivin' back home in the driveway, he shut off the engine and turned to face me. "Can I speak now?"

It was obvious that he was remorseful, but I wasn't willin' to set aside how much he'd hurt me. At least not yet. "My night is ruined, Edward. But if you need to get somethin' off your chest in order to sleep better, then feel free."

His wounded expression almost caused me to take back my words, but I forced myself to press my lips together.

He rubbed his face with his hands before beginnin'. "I'm sorrier than you know, Bella. Tell me what to do to fix this. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."

I sighed and slowly shook my head before reachin' to place my hand on his. "We're not broken, Edward. You don't need to fix us. I'm angry with you sure; but I'll get over it... eventually."

"Will you be able to ever forgive me?"

After closin' my eyes and leanin' back against the headrest, I answered. "It's not a question of forgivin' you. What I need," I turned to look at him once more, "is for you to work on forgivin' yourself."

He opened his mouth to speak, but I placed my fingers on his lips, stoppin' him.

"No, Edward. You really need to think about whether or not I'm worth the effort, because seein' the way you've been these last few months, especially tonight, is killin' me. Little by little, it's killin' me. I love you so much, and to have to stand by and watch you destroy yourself…" I bit back a sob as tears filled my eyes again. "I can't live this way, but I can't live without you either." I drew in a deep breath and turned my head away before forcin' the next words from my mouth, knowin' that I couldn't look at him while sayin' them, "but I will live without you, if that's what it takes for you to get better."

Somethin' akin to a whimper sounded from the seat beside me. I didn't look; instead, I moved to open my door. "I'm goin' to bed, and you've got some thinkin' to do." I whispered.

Leavin' him sittin' alone in that car was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. My biggest fear was that he'd drive away, and that was the last thing I wanted. When I heard his car door open and his slow tread on the path as he followed me to the front door, I felt a strong sense of relief.

We silently entered the house to find it quiet and dark, everyone in bed and, hopefully, asleep. I whispered goodnight before makin' my way to Alice's room. She was waitin' for me.

That night, as I lay beside her, holdin' her hand just as I did when we were children, I poured my heart out to my oldest friend. With tears streamin' down my face, I told her everythin'.

Alice cried with me, and when I had no more tears left to shed, I closed my eyes and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

"What happened when the shark became famous?" Edward's eyes were twinklin' as he waited for my answer.

"Um," I shrugged and grinned at him. "I have no idea."

"He became a starfish," Edward's grin grew wider and he slid closer to me on the bench.

"My turn," I announced as I held up my Popsicle stick in order to read the joke. "What did Polly the Parrot want on the 4th of July?"

"Hmm," he murmured as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pullin' me close. "I can't imagine."

"A Fire Cracker," I answered with a smile. He responded with a chuckle.

"These get sillier every year," I said as I wrinkled my nose, "Do you think maybe they just seem silly 'cause we're gettin' older?"

"That's probably it, but I don't think we'll ever be too old for these silly jokes, Bella. At least I hope not." He leaned down touchin' his lips to mine. The kiss was soft, and brief, and perfect. "Besides, I love the way your lips taste after you've eaten a Popsicle."

"Is that so?" I teased.

He nodded.

"So, what's your favorite flavor?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

He brushed his lips against mine and lingered there, "Doesn't matter, it can be grape," he gave me a small kiss, "cherry," kiss, "orange," kiss, "as long as it tastes like my Bella, it will always be perfect."
I tightened my hold around his neck and brought my lips back to his; the sweet grape taste from the Popsicle still there. When I finally broke the kiss, I leaned my head against his shoulder and we sat together, gazin' across the inlet as the sky darkened into night.

I blinked open my eyes; the dark surrounded me, but the faint light from the streetlamp outside Alice's window left no doubt that I wasn't in Chincoteague, sittin' on the porch with Edward, like in my dream.

My eyes filled with tears once again. How I longed to be able to turn back the clock and return to the days when the only difficulty Edward and I faced was bein' able to steal a quiet moment alone.

Suddenly, the distance between us was too much to bear. I made my way to his room; my vision blurred by my tears, and closed the door behind me.

As soon as I reached the bed, he was pullin' me down, wrappin' his overheated body around mine and clingin' to me as if his life depended on it. "Bella, don't leave me," he begged in barely a whisper. My heart shattered while listenin' to him sob into my chest, every now and then givin' voice to his promise to get better. I ran my fingers through his hair in an effort to comfort and reassure.

When the tears finally subsided, I spoke. "All I want is for you to be well, Edward. I know that you love me, but I want you to love yourself enough to do that." I ran my fingers through his hair again. "You are a good man, Edward. You've just lost sight of that."

He leaned up on his arm and looked into my eyes. "I love you so much. I want to be better."

"Promise me that after I leave, you'll follow through on gettin' the help you need. You can't keep usin' alcohol, and I suppose now drugs?" I gave him a questionin' look and he turned away, not able to hold my gaze. I nodded. "I thought so." I sat there debatin' whether I should ask what drugs he'd taken, but decided against it. I placed my hand on the side of his face, causin' him to look into my eyes once more. "It won't be easy Edward, but I have faith in you. Never forget that I love you."

When I left the next day, I wouldn't see Edward until his graduation six weeks later. I prayed with everythin' I had in me, to a God I wasn't sure was even listenin', to help Edward to forgive himself, and therein, find the peace he so desperately needed so that he could heal in both body and soul.

***P*S***

-Spring- Edward, Age 17 years

I promised I'd try.

But…

I walked past Daniel's room today. The door was open, which I found strange. I couldn't remember it being open since…

I didn't even think before glancing inside to find my mother sitting on his bed.

She was crying.

The room was exactly the way he'd left it the night of the game.

Nothing moved. Nothing changed.

I forced my feet to carry me down the hall to my room as images and sounds from that night filled my mind.
Once inside, I dropped to my knees while clutching at my chest. I felt like I was suffocating.

The sound of the gunshot echoed in my ears. It was so loud; I'd never heard anything that loud before.

Followed by the sound of screaming…

The sight of Daniel lying in a pool of his own blood…

I remembered not knowing what to do. I took off my jacket and placed it under Daniel's head like a pillow, but I didn't know how to stop the blood…

So much blood…

I sat on the floor and brought my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth as I concentrated on trying to breath and forcing the images from my mind.

If Bella was here, she'd make it better…

I tried to think about holding her, kissing her, her hair falling in waves over her shoulders as we made love…

Deep, even breaths…

Then I remembered my mother's tear-stained face.

A pain shot through my chest and I wondered if this was what it felt like to have a heart attack.

Without hesitation, I reached for one of my wrestling trophies on the shelf above my desk and removed the false bottom to reveal my stash of little white pills.

I popped two in my mouth and then a third, a fourth…

I promised I'd try…

But today had proven to be beyond what little strength I had. I needed a little something to take the edge off and help me get through this. I felt certain that if Bella knew what it was like, she'd understand.

Besides, Graduation was weeks away, I still had time to keep my promise to Bella.

I had time...

As the pills began to take effect, it was images of Bella that filled my mind. Her soft skin, her beautiful trusting eyes, her hand in mine, her voice whispering words of love, her kind and generous heart, her forgiveness. A wave of guilt washed over me at the thought of breaking her trust yet again…

I knew I didn't deserve her, that was a given; but without her, I wouldn't survive.

Tomorrow I would do better.

There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of "must we"
Just because the son has come.

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past is done?
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past is done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.

Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but the past is done.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but the past is done.

Why can't we not be sober?
Just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

I want what I want

********A/N*******
Song Rec: "Sober" by Tool.

I was wrong last chapter…we've still got one more to go in order to complete this year.
Yes, Edward is using. What drugs? Well, since the story is told from Bella's perspective, we only know as much as she does as this point…

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience. I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories.
Sneak peeks every Thursday of whatever I'm working on at that moment: Emmamamas-stories dot blogspot dot com