Big hugs and thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work, song suggestions, and suffering through the angst of more than 11,000 words. Muahh!
*See you at the bottom.
*************P*S*************
Love has no pride when I call out your name
And love has no pride when there's no one to blame
But I'd give anything to see you again
If I could buy your love,
Then I'd surely try my friend
And if I could pray,
My prayers would never end
But if you want me to beg,
I'll fall down on my knees,
And ask you to come back,
I'd be pleading for you to come back,
I'd beg for you to come back to me…
-September-Bella, age 17 years…
I looked down at the small silver Eiffel Tower charm lyin' in the palm of my hand, as I opened the handwritten note that Alice had slipped inside the package before sendin' it.
Dear Bella,
I miss you so much and wish I could be there with you to celebrate your birthday, but with the baby due any day now, I don't dare leave Mom, not even for a weekend.
I also understand if you can't come to Pennsylvania.
What I don't understand is why you won't talk to me. Yeah, I know you would argue with that assessment because you're not technically ignoring my calls, but Bella we don't really speak anymore. Not like we used to.
I miss my best friend and feel like I'm being punished for Edward's actions. It's hard not to hate him for what he's caused. Although, judging by the way he looks most of the time, he hates himself more than I ever could.
I'm sorry; I swore I wouldn't bring him up.
Anyway, the charm is a promise. Next June, you will be coming with me to Paris. Mom and Dad said I could have the trip as my graduation present, and I want you with me. No arguments!
I'll call you when the baby arrives. Maybe your Dad will let you come up for a visit? I hope so.
Talk to you soon.
Love,
Alice
I dashed away the tears that were suddenly cloudin' my eyes and laid the letter on the bed next to the birthday card and gift from Carlisle and Esme. Not surprisingly, they'd spent much more than they should have.
Part of me wished that they would forget that I existed. Like Edward had…
I didn't need or want their pity.
But the other part of me, the part that was ruled by my heart and not by my head, loved them more than words could say, and wanted them back in my life.
As for Edward… I wanted him most of all.
Unfortunately, I feared the feelin' was no longer mutual. It took all summer to finally admit that to myself. After three months of unreturned phone calls and unanswered letters, I had finally accepted the fact that any love he'd ever felt for me had withered and died; the victim of Edward's drug abuse and self-hatred.
The problem was that every time Alice hinted at how miserable he was, I found myself hopin' that it was because he missed me.
That small glimmer of hope was usually enough to allow me to disregard the very last shred of my self-respect and dial his number.
This time was no exception.
Without any conscious thought, my hand moved to the phone. I swallowed back the lump that formed while listenin' to the recordin' of his voice, still smoother than velvet, as he directed the caller to 'leave a message'.
"Hi, Edward. This is Bella, um, I was wonderin' if you could return my call. I'm not sure if you remember, but it's my birthday today and,"
And what?
Suddenly, I felt very foolish, not knowin' what I really wanted to say.
I drew in a deep breath.
"Uh… I guess I just need to hear your voice and know that you're okay," my own voice broke as tears filled my eyes. After clearin' my throat, I continued. "The truth is I'm not okay Edward. I miss you so much…" I paused and sniffled then as the tears trailed down my cheeks. "Just call me, please." I hesitated before whisperin' the only thing left to say, "I love you."
I ended the call with little hope that I'd hear back from him. The messages I left were always ramblin', sometimes pleadin', and when I finished, I only ever succeeded in makin' myself feel more lost than I was before.
I was a fool…
After standin' from my bed, I hobbled over to the dresser to retrieve my charm bracelet and then slowly made my way down to the kitchen in search of the necessary tools to attach the new charm.
Like every day since the accident, I attempted to push all thoughts I had of Edward from my mind. And, just like every other time I'd tried, I was unsuccessful.
Whenever I was alone, memories of the last three months haunted me; startin' with the moment I'd regained consciousness and realized where I was…
The distraught expression on my daddy's face had given way to one of relief when I responded to the doctor's questions. I knew my name, what year it was, that I was in a hospital room in Pennsylvania. The last thing I remembered before losin' consciousness was…
Squealin' tires…
Breakin' glass…
My own screams…
And then silence as the world around me went black…
My body may have been battered, weak, and exhausted, but my mind was suddenly fully alert and aware.
The accident…
Where was Edward?
The panic hit me with the force of a wreckin' ball as I turned away from the doctor and gave my daddy a pleadin' look; raspin' out the desire to know what had happened to my boyfriend.
Daddy assured me that Edward hadn't been as badly injured as I had. As a matter of fact, he'd already been released.
I announced loudly that I needed to see for myself that Edward was alright. But Daddy just shook his head, refusin' even a phone call, as he explained that Edward was at home recuperatin' and needed his rest.
I knew my daddy well enough to recognize when he was hidin' somethin'.
It didn't take long before I'd convinced myself that Edward must be dead and Daddy was keepin' it from me. I had worked myself up into such a state that I had to be sedated.
After that, Daddy yielded and allowed me to speak with Edward on the phone, but not before I promised to remain calm.
That brief conversation was burned into my memory.
"Ed… Edward?" I stuttered out.
"Bella." He sighed softly as he said my name.
"How are you?" I asked. "I mean, are you badly hurt?"
He chuckled bitterly. "Don't worry about me, Bella. I walked away with some bruises and a dislocated shoulder. If there was any justice, I'd be in the cemetery right now. As a matter of fact, I'd have been the one shot last October instead of my brother..."
"Don't say that…" I felt my throat tighten as tears threatened to spill. "I couldn't bear it if…"
He drew in a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Do you know when you'll be released?"
I cleared my throat. "The doctor said a few days." I paused. "Will you come see me?"
Edward was silent for a long moment. "I can't Bella. I don't have a car anymore and I don't know if I'll be able to keep my license after what happened…"
"You can still come to the hospital, I'm sure your parents would bring you..."
"No, I really can't."
"But… why not?" I implored.
"Bella, I hurt you. I almost killed you. Your father would probably shoot me if I came anywhere near you, and he'd be right to do so."
"Daddy will forgive you," I said in a choked whisper, "eventually…"
"He shouldn't."
"Edward, please…"
"Listen, Bella, I have to go."
"No, not yet…"
"Yeah… um, my Mom needs me." He hesitated, "and you need to heal. It's best if I don't fuck up your life any more than I already have."
I knew at that moment that this was more than a refusal to come visit me in the hospital…
Edward was leavin' me
"Edward, please don't do this…" I couldn't hold back the tears any more.
"Try to understand, Bella. What I did to you," his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, "I… we could have lost you," he paused, "it finally made me realize that I need to get well. I owe that much to you and to my family."
"I won't interfere with your recovery. I promise. You don't have to come to the hospital, and I'll even stay in Virginia until you say so. We'll just talk on the phone…" I could hear the desperation in my own voice.
My heart clenched with the fear that, if I let him hang up now, I'd lose him forever.
"No, Bella. You shouldn't be spending your days worrying about me. It's not fair…"
"Edward, please…" I drew in a shudderin' breath. "I love you."
"Bella, stop." His tone showed a hint of frustration, "I'll be lucky if I don't end up in jail for what I did. It's important that all my energy is focused on what I need to do for me. You're too much of a… distraction."
His words were like the twist of a knife in my heart. I couldn't answer. I couldn't speak.
He was silent for a long moment. "I'll always love you, Bella." He added in barely a whisper. "Goodbye."
And then he was gone.
We hadn't spoken since.
I'd received no response to the almost daily messages I'd left.
Durin' the weeks since arrivin' home, I had a lot of time to think. My broken leg and the fractured vertebrae in my back saw to that; as my injuries successfully kept me a prisoner in my own home for some time.
I needed help with everythin'. Although I wasn't appreciative at the time, I was thankful later that Mama flew up from Florida to spend that first week takin' care of me. I didn't relish the thought of Daddy havin' to help me bathe or use the bathroom.
If the situation with Edward didn't succeed in doin' it, the embarrassment of Daddy seein' me naked would most likely have finished me off.
That first week was painful, both physically and emotionally. Mama tried to get me to open up about Edward, but I couldn't. She'd been out of my life for far too long. We weren't close, no matter how much she desired it to be otherwise.
The damage was done.
She was kind and patient, but I wanted none of it. The nicer she was to me, the more I lashed out at her. When I yelled and accused her of only bein' there for me because she felt guilty, and watched as tears filled her eyes, I knew I'd gone too far.
I was angry and depressed, but it wasn't Mama's fault that Edward was ignorin' me. I told her I was sorry, and when she pulled me closer, I fell apart in her arms.
After I cried myself out, Mama hesitantly told me about the things Edward had said to Daddy in the hospital and how Daddy had punched him in response. I gasped in horror, realizin' that what I'd thought was a dream had been a terrible reality.
What must Daddy think of me?
And Carlisle and Esme…
I cringed as I thought how low I must have fallen in their estimation. Edward had made what we'd done sound so… coarse and vulgar, so wrong.
His words battered my already bruised heart as I thought about how little our relationship must really mean to him.
Ashamed and embarrassed by what I'd done, I tried to pull away from Mama, but she would have none of that. She kept her arms around me and soothed away my feelin's of guilt.
"Bella, you've loved Edward since you were five years old. It was inevitable that this would happen, baby. Do I wish y'all would have waited a while longer? Yes, of course, every parent wishes that."
"But, how could he," I stuttered through my sobs, "speak as if he didn't care about me. How could he say those things to Daddy?"
"Oh, baby, Edward's got his own demons to fight." She pulled back and looked into my eyes. "I know you love him, but sometimes that's not enough. He's got to find the will to fight and win for himself and nobody else."
She spoke as if from experience.
"Daddy must be so disappointed in me." I said with a sniffle.
"Never," Mama assured me as she brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "Your Daddy loves you more than anything in this world. As sorry as I am for hurting you when I left all those years ago, I am happy that it brought you and your Daddy closer."
After Mama went home, Cheryl practically moved into my house for the duration of the summer. I didn't ask her to do it, but she insisted.
She was there to take me to the doctor or the physical therapist whenever Daddy had to work. She helped me dress and do so many things that were difficult to do alone.
She also attempted to raise my spirits when it was nearly impossible.
I had never realized what an amazin' unselfish person she was until then.
Durin' the times I wasn't cryin' over Edward, I would find myself gettin' emotional over how much she was sacrificin' in order to help me.
"I don't deserve you," I cried one day when I was feelin' particularly sorry for myself.
Cheryl smiled mischievously, "That's true, Swan." she said with a wink. "Guess you'll owe me one."
"Why do you put up with me, Cheryl?" I sniffled. "All I do is mope around. You're wastin' your entire summer here with me when you could be out havin' fun."
She sighed, her smile disappearin' as she shoved a pillow under my leg and sat on the coffee table to face me, elbows propped on her knees. "Bella," she began, her eyes fixed on mine, "Let me ask you a question."
My brows knit together in confusion, "Okay."
"Would you do the same for me?"
"That's not the point..."
"It's a very simple question. Just answer it." She quirked an eyebrow in challenge, "Would you?"
After releasin' a breath, I gave her a sad smile. "Yes."
Cheryl grinned and took hold of my hand, givin' it a squeeze, "Just pay it forward, B."
***P*S***
I knew Edward
All the times he'd told me he loved me; the feelings we'd shared every day we were together; how much we missed one another when we were apart; all the times we'd made love...
He couldn't toss aside all our shared history so easily.
Or could he?
And then I would recall Jamie's insults, Amber's looks of disdain, and Edward's hurtful words…
You're too much of a distraction
Maybe Edward had finally realized that I wasn't good enough for him? Jamie warned me that it would happen someday.
Those were the times when my spirits were at their lowest. My body was healin', but my mind was sinkin' deeper into despair with each passin' week.
My emotional state durin' this time was unpredictable. My mood would go from feelin' hurt and confused to one of overwhelmin' sorrow before sometimes settlin' on white hot anger.
How dare he ignore me? It's childish and immature.
And besides, what gives him the right to decide we're over without lettin' me speak my piece?
I left a number of harsh, scathin' voicemails, lettin' Edward know exactly what I thought of his behavior, but always felt remorse immediately after. It wouldn't be long before I would then call back and leave a message apologizin'.
Not that he answered any of my phone calls, e-mails or texts.
If I didn't get regular phone calls from Alice, in which she'd mention him in passin', I would have been convinced that he'd dropped off the face of the earth.
But the question continued to plague me: How was I to know if he really didn't want me unless I see him? Talk to him? I needed to look into his eyes and see the truth there, while he spoke those words that would break my heart and crush my hopes forever.
Gettin' him to come to Virginia for a face to face meetin' was out of the question, so that left me goin' to Pennsylvania.
That option was next to impossible.
Even if I'd been able to drive, Daddy would have forbidden me from goin'. He didn't want me anywhere near Edward.
A couple of weeks before the beginnin' of school, when I was finally able to start puttin' weight on my leg again, Mama pressed for me to fly down to Florida. I begged instead that she loan me the money for a ticket to Pennsylvania so I could see Edward. I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she explained that she couldn't go against my father's wishes.
"Bella, this isn't healthy. You're about to begin your senior year of high school. That's a very important time in your life. You need to start thinking about yourself and let Edward go…" There was a tone of bitterness in her words which caused my temper to flare.
I didn't even try to halt the hurtful words as they escaped, "Well, you see Mama, that's where I differ from you. I don't have it in me to selfishly abandon the ones I claim to love and disappear from their lives."
She gasped before answerin', "Isabella, that was cruel."
"Huh, ya think so? It's not as cruel as what you did to Daddy, not to mention how much you hurt me. I spent years thinkin' I was the reason you left."
"Bella…"
"No, Mama. Enough. From now on, do me a favor and keep your advice to yourself." Then in a move as childish as I'd accused Edward of behavin', I ended the call.
I eventually apologized, but only after Daddy insisted. It wasn't easy to feel sorry for what I'd said. The sad fact was that the emotions and feelin's of abandonment caused by Edward's actions had brought to the surface a bitterness I had harbored toward my mother since the day she left.
August also brought news of Edward's court appearance. Whereas Alice usually avoided the subject of my broodin' boyfriend, on this occasion, she seemed eager to share everythin'.
I didn't even consider tryin' to stop her.
"Well," Alice began, "I suppose Edward was lucky because the judge didn't throw the book at him. The prosecutor didn't seem happy that the judge was sympathetic to what Edward had been dealing with since Daniel's death, but he didn't argue."
"The judge explained that the fact that Edward had never been in trouble before, had weighed heavily in his favor. He's also lucky that he was only seventeen at the time of the accident."
"He was placed on probation until next August. Edward can't leave the state without permission, and has a restricted driver's license. Also, because traces of cocaine were found in his system after the accident, he has to submit to periodic drug testing throughout the year."
Alice heard my sharp intake of breath. No one had told me about the cocaine, but it certainly explained Edward's erratic behavior that night…
"Bella, I thought you knew that he was charged with driving under the influence, amongst other things…"
"No." I whispered. "I mean, I thought he must have been drinkin' behind my back…"
After a long silence, she spoke again. "Well, I wasn't' surprised. He's been out of control for so long…" She sighed loudly. "Anyway, he has to perform community service, and attend regular therapy sessions. All that while trying to complete his first year of college."
In Pennsylvania…
***P*S***
"Thanks, Daddy." I stood and crossed the room to hug him.
I'd had the cast removed a couple of weeks before, but my leg muscles were still weak. The doctor said it would take a while to get back to full strength.
"How about I take you out to eat?"
I smiled at him, knowin' we'd be goin' to the diner, "That sounds nice. Daddy, would you mind if Cheryl came as well? I think it would be a nice gesture after everythin' she's done for me."
He smiled, no doubt happy that I was actually takin' an interest in somethin' for a change. "That's a great idea, baby."
If he knew the reason I wasn't mopin' around, his smile would have faded rather quickly. It was my birthday, and I couldn't seem to shake the hopeful feelin' that Edward would call me.
He'd never missed my birthday before.
Each passin' hour chipped away at that hope. Nevertheless while at the diner, I put on a happy smile, makin' sure to hug Wanda and Sue. Obviously, after my accident, I hadn't returned to work as planned. Sue informed me that as soon as I felt up to it, my job would be there waitin'.
"So, did you have a nice birthday, Bella?" Daddy asked once we were back home.
I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for the gift and for dinner."
He shrugged, lookin' a little uncomfortable before speakin' again. "You seemed better tonight," he asked, hesitatin' as he searched my face.
I gave him a small smile, determined not to let him know that I was barely holdin' myself together. "I had a nice time." I then affected a yawn, "I think I'm gonna turn in now." I leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Night, Daddy."
He hugged me goodnight, and I didn't think it my imagination that he held on longer than usual. "Love you, little girl." He whispered in my ear.
"Love you too."
I desperately needed the sanctuary of my room.
That night I lay in bed curled around my cell phone, willin' it to do somethin'. Why had I been foolish enough to hope that the boy I loved would respond to my plea? He hadn't spoken to me since June.
I cried until I was cried out while rememberin' every moment we'd spent together durin' the past year; some tortured, such as those immediately after Daniel's death, and some beautiful, such as the day we spent in Cape Charles.
In my naiveté, I'd actually believed Edward had begun to heal that day.
The images that came next caused my eyes to burn, but I held back the tears, refusin' them permission to escape. I thought about the first time Edward and I made love. It was awkward and clumsy, but utterly beautiful. I could picture the way his eyes locked onto mine, holdin' nothin' but love as we moved together.
Once my heart began to physically ache at the memories, I pushed them aside, choosin' instead to think about the happy days that filled my summers before we lost Daniel.
When sleep finally claimed me, I drifted off with the vision in my mind of a hot summer night on the porch, eatin' popsicles with Edward while restin' my head against his shoulder.
***P*S***
Edward's text message sent after I'd fallen asleep was all I could think of durin' class the next day. I wanted to believe that it was a sign that he wanted me back in his life. I mean, he knew me well enough to understand that my 'happiness' depended upon a future in which we were together. Didn't he?
For the rest of the day, and week, I drove myself crazy tryin' to reason it out. However, when my phone calls and texts again went unanswered, I had a sinkin' feelin' that this was truly the end of Edward and I.
There was one bright spot durin' that time. When Alice phoned to tell me she had a baby sister, I literally cried tears of joy for the entire Cullen family, especially Esme and Carlisle.
"Her name is Grace Madeline Cullen. She's small but healthy." Alice told me, her voice breakin' with emotion. "And she's so beautiful."
Daddy still refused to let me go to Pennsylvania, even to see the new baby. He didn't say it out loud, but I knew it was because Edward was still livin' at home while attendin' class durin' his first semester. I didn't know if Daddy was afraid for my safety, or if he was afraid Edward and I would have sex.
Probably both.
By October, I felt physically capable to return to work at the diner after school and on weekends. It was one place I was able to lose myself.
The majority of the customers were travelers, and whenever I met one from Pennsylvania, I would always silently wonder if they knew Edward's family.
That would set my mind to wonderin' what he was doin', and if he ever thought about me.
My overactive imagination would picture Edward wakin' up one mornin' and comin' to his senses. He'd hop in a car, and drive down to find me. Maybe he'd arrive at the diner while I was workin' and confess how foolish he'd been. He'd tell me that he never stopped lovin' me. He'd beg my forgiveness and I'd tell him there was nothin' to forgive, just before sharin' a passionate kiss in front of everyone.
It was a moment worthy of a Hollywood movie.
Then I would recall that Edward couldn't leave Pennsylvania without permission, and even if he was able to come see me, I was nothin' but, to use his words, a distraction.
Not even worthy of bein' his friend much less his girlfriend.
-Spring- Bella, age 17 years
The followin' months passed in a blur of senior class activities in which I barely participated.
As spring approached, I listened as Cheryl went on about Lucas Parr askin' her to prom. Her relationship with Cameron had never been more than friends hangin' out together, although he wanted more.
Cameron had moved on.
It seems to be a trend…
I wasn't surprised that no one had asked me. Not that I would have gone.
Mark had started datin' a girl in the junior class and, even though he still tried to talk to me from time to time, my one word responses had managed to drive even him away.
Of course Cheryl was the exception. She refused to let me hide from her, and was my personal coach and cheerleader all rolled into one.
If not for her encouragement, I probably would have surrendered to my grief, long before graduation day.
Unfortunately, Cheryl couldn't control the way I behaved when she wasn't around; how I rose from my bed every mornin' just as tired as I'd been the night before. She couldn't change the fact that listenin' to music, any music, set my teeth on edge. And Cheryl definitely couldn't force me to eat when I wasn't hungry, only my Daddy could do that.
His threat to send me either to a hospital or to live with Mama, was enough to make me force down at least two decent meals a day, puttin' a stop to the weight loss I'd been experiencin' since the summer.
Graduation was loomin', and despite my zombie-like state, I'd forced myself to function enough to send in my application to attend the local community college. I also found that I couldn't resist applyin' to the University of Pennsylvania as well.
The day I receive my acceptance letter, I broke down in tears, knowin' that my desire to attend school with Edward would never be a reality.
My anger raged as I pondered the future I would have had; the one I should have had. Edward, goin' to school in Richmond, with me joinin' him eventually.
After graduation, we would have begun our careers and our future together…
Stop
I couldn't think about it any more
Edward doesn't want me
Once I'd convinced myself of that, I stopped tryin' to contact him and barely responded when Alice phoned me. After a while, her calls became less frequent, and by spring an entire month went by without hearin' a word.
Although the reason for Alice's silence had more to do with the fact that I'd deliberately dragged my feet about gettin' a passport, and then wouldn't allow the Cullens to pay to have it rushed through the approval process. Alice was furious. I'd deliberately killed any chance I had to go to Paris with her. She knew I hadn't 'forgotten' to mail in the application, like I'd told her parents and my daddy.
She called me on every bit of my bullshit.
She knew me far too well.
There was only one other person who knew me better, and he had ceased to care.
"Bella, I really hoped that your relationship with Edward wouldn't affect us. It was foolish of me, and I guess I learnt my lesson." She told me a couple of weeks before graduation, "I'll be here whenever you're ready to really talk to me again."
I waited until she'd returned from her trip before callin' to apologize, assurin' her that I still wanted my friend, but that I just needed some time to process everythin' that had happened durin' the past year.
-August- Bella, age 17 years
I tightened my grip on the steerin' wheel, knowin' by now that Daddy had found my note. There were some who would deem my actions to be irrational, namely Daddy, and probably Cheryl…
Hopefully he'd never know; and as for Cheryl, well, I only prayed that Cheryl would keep my secret.
The minute I'd ended my call with Alice this afternoon, it was as if the last fourteen months had never happened.
What was fourteen months in comparison to a lifetime of memories?
A lifetime of him ownin' my heart?
The thought of my beautiful boy, alone and broken was like a jolt of electricity to my formerly listless existence. After fourteen months of flounderin' and goin' through the motions of livin', I had a purpose again.
Within minutes I'd determined what I needed to do and was packin' a bag. Resolved to go and not return until I found him, I called Wanda, pretendin' to be sick so they wouldn't expect me at work the next day, and tore out of my driveway.
Edward was hurtin'. He needed me, or at least I hoped he did.
So, there I was, inchin' my way towards Chincoteague in the hot August night, impatiently willin' my old car to get there sooner than was possible.
I needed to see him…
If he was even there…
Just outside of Norfolk, the a/c had died, and I lowered the windows. Travellin' for hours in a wind tunnel was no fun, but once I'd secured my hair and a couple of loose items that had been whippin' around, I concentrated on the conversation I'd had earlier on the phone with Alice, as the miles slipped past.
Since her return from France, we'd spoken on average once a week. I no longer avoided her calls, as I tried to separate my present with her, from my past with her brother.
She barely spoke of Edward unless I asked, but even then what I learned only served to twist the knife ever deeper. He was busy with his schoolwork and his college social life.
Too busy to spare a thought for me…
The fact that Alice was phonin' unexpectedly, on the day I knew he was due to make a final appearance in court, caused me to swallow nervously before answerin'.
"Hi, Alice."
"Bella," her voice was tremblin', and my entire body tensed at the sound of it.
Somethin' was wrong.
"Alice, what is it?"
"I don't know what to do. He's gone." She stuttered out the words.
I blinked hard and shook my head. "What? What are you…?" I began as a cold fear suddenly gripped my heart.
"Oh, gosh!" She gasped, "No, no, I mean Edward's okay. I guess. It's just that after the judge released him from his probation today, he told Edward that he was free to go, and that's just what he did."
I still wasn't followin'.
"He signed some papers and then didn't even glance in our direction before walking out of the courtroom. We thought we'd find him in the hall or the parking lot but he wasn't anywhere." She sniffled. "It's been hours and he hasn't come home. He won't answer his phone…"
Her tone turned angry then, "So help me when I do find him, I'm going to knock the crap out of him."
"Alice, somebody has to know where he is, have you phoned his friends?"
She hesitated. "See, that's the trouble. He doesn't have any friends that I know of…"
I frowned. "Alice, what about the people he's been spendin' all his time with?"
Durin' the past few months, I had tortured myself with conjured images of Edward and his new friends. No doubt they were affluent like his family, no doubt the boys were handsome and the girls were perfect.
And then, just because I hadn't suffered enough, I would wonder if he'd found someone to replace me yet.
Of course he had.
That was just about the time my stomach would lurch, and I'd be forced to make a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
Alice cleared her throat nervously. "After your birthday, Edward and I had a huge fight. He got so angry with me. He said that he was trying his best to move on, but that I was sabotaging his efforts by constantly feeding you information and that you wouldn't stop calling."
My heart sank upon hearin' those words.
"You and I both know that's not true. It only seemed to upset you when I talked about Edward, so I kept it to a minimum." She took a deep breath. "Anyway, shortly after Christmas, he started talking about these new friends he'd made at school, mentioning them by name even. Mom and Dad were hesitant at first to let him hang out with them, but when Edward insisted that they spent most of the time studying, and my parents realized they knew a couple of the kids' parents socially, they relented."
"He put on quite a show, pretending to be happy, but every now and then the mask slipped and I got a glimpse of how miserable he really was. It made me suspicious and a few weeks ago I followed him. Instead of hanging out with these 'friends', he spent the entire evening, alone, at the school library. A few days later, he did it again. Shocked doesn't adequately describe the look on his face when he came outside and found me waiting by his car."
"The fight we'd had in September paled in comparison to the one that night. He finally admitted that he has no friends. Whatever his reasons, he's been pretending."
She blew out a breath, "I was waiting until he was off of probation to tell you the truth, hoping somehow to convince him that his stupid plan wasn't working. He needs you, Bella, but now…"
"He's gone." I offered.
"Yes."
We talked for a few moments longer, well, she talked, I mostly listened, still stunned by her revelation.
After promisin' to let me know the moment she found him, she ended the call. I was left sittin' on my bed, starin' into space. Alice had given me a lot to think about.
First and foremost, where was Edward?
At first I feared that he'd gone on some twisted mission of revenge against Jamie Hunter. But if he was in such a state as that, he wouldn't have waited a whole year after the accident to act upon it.
Then I thought that maybe he was comin' to my house, but judgin' by the time he'd left court, he would have arrived already. Nevertheless, before I gave a thought to what I was doin', I raced over to the window, threw open the curtains and peered out. As I'd expected, my car was the only one parked in the driveway.
I sighed and sat back on the bed, defeated.
Decidin' to concentrate on everythin' I knew about Edward, I lay back on the bed while memories of our summers together flooded my mind.
…"This is my happy place," I breathed out, the warmth of the sun and the crashin' of the waves against the shore almost lullin' me to sleep as I lay there beside Edward on the blanket…
…"The beach?" He asked, his voice soundin' sleepy as well…
…"Mmmhm. Well, I'm happy anywhere as long as I'm with you, but Chincoteague will always be my favorite."…
…"Mine too," he whispered, his hand seekin' mine until they were clasped together. "We should run away from home and live here"…
… "Um, I think one of us should have a driver's license first," I answered with a giggle…
…"True"…
… "And they'd find us"…
… "Eventually" He murmured. "But we could hide from the rest of the world, for a while"…
…I had to admit that the thought of hidin' out with Edward caused my stomach to flutter with anticipation…
I wasn't sure if that particular memory was merely wishful thinkin', but suddenly I was hit with the notion that Edward had driven to Chincoteague. Alice, her parents and the baby had vacationed there earlier in the summer, but Edward hadn't been back since the summer before Daniel died.
Neither had I.
Once that thought was in my head, there was no stoppin' me. Refusin' to consider the fact that he may not be there when I arrived, I phoned Cheryl and told her what I was doin' and asked that, if my Daddy called lookin' for me, she back up my story that I was stayin' at her house tonight.
She tried to argue, but when I began to cry, she caved, realizin' that this was somethin' I needed to do.
It was well after midnight by the time I crossed the bridge to the island. The little town was quiet, most residents havin' already gone to bed. As I turned down the narrow road which led to our cottage, it dawned on me that, if I was wrong and Edward hadn't come here, I'd have to turn around and drive home again.
Our cottage was rented out for the rest of the summer, and I had no key to the house next door. Just as I considered stayin' in one of the motels in town, the Cullens' house came into view and I spied the black car, Edward's car, sittin' in the driveway.
He was here.
My heart was in my throat as I pulled in slowly, parkin' behind him, effectively blockin' his means of escape.
That fact alone pleased me.
After exitin' the car, I stood on shaky legs, starin' at the house. I could only see one light comin' from deep inside, probably the stairwell. Everythin' was deathly still.
I took a few tentative steps toward the door and stopped, ignorin' the ache in my back from sittin' in the car for hours. I'd endured fourteen months of sadness and misery and was about to see the boy I loved more than life itself, the boy who had avoided me, the boy who'd called me a distraction…
The boy who, quite possibly didn't want me anymore…
Suppose he was angry with me for comin' here?
Suppose he yelled at me?
I glanced back at my car knowin' that I could leave at that moment and no one other than Cheryl would be any wiser. I also knew that leavin' here without seein' him was not an option. Even if he were to hurt me again, I wasn't goin' back home without some answers.
The front door was locked, but rather than knock, I quietly made my way around to the back deck. So intent was I on reachin' the slidin' glass doors quickly and quietly, that I almost missed the figure sprawled across a lounge chair in a shadowy corner to my right.
A sudden movement caused me to turn my head, and there he was, the boy I'd longed to see for what now felt like a lifetime.
I made my way slowly toward him until I was beside his chair, lookin' down upon his sleepin' form. He was a mess; hair tousled, face unshaven, clothes rumpled. His face was peaceful, his cares forgotten as he slept. He was the most beautiful thing I'd laid eyes on in over a year.
All the feelings I'd tried to hold inside for so long, rose to the surface as I wrapped my arms around myself to keep from fallin' apart. Tears filled my eyes before streamin' down my cheeks and I found it impossible to hold back the sobs.
Afraid of wakin' him, I turned to move away but my foot bumped into somethin' beside his chair. The loud thump that followed as the empty bottle toppled onto its side caused Edward's eyelids to flutter and open.
I braced myself. He'd obviously been drinkin', but drunk or sober, I had no idea how he would react to my bein' there.
He blinked several times as he tried to focus, before reachin' a hand out towards me. "Bella," he whispered. "So beautiful."
As much as I'd wanted to, I had yet to touch him. I stretched out my arm then, and placed my tremblin' hand in his. He sighed in contentment and closed his eyes as a beautiful smile graced his face. "You're always here." He murmured.
"Where, Edward?"
"In my dreams," His eyes were still closed, and I feared he was fallin' back to sleep. "Whenever I'm with you, I never want to wake up."
There I stood; just holdin' his hand, not knowin' what else to do as fresh tears escaped my eyes.
"Don't cry," he whispered. I looked over to find him watchin' me through heavy lids. He pulled me closer and reached the other hand up to wipe the tears away. "My Bella should never cry. She should always be happy."
His Bella…
Oh if those words were only true. But Edward was drunk and half asleep. He probably wouldn't remember I was here come mornin'.
A sense of resolve came over me then.
I would make him remember.
My heartbeat quickened as I knelt beside the chair, lettin' go of his hand in order to wrap my arms around his neck. I needed to hold onto him and never let go. "Oh, Edward. You're not dreamin'." I said as I laid my head on his shoulder.
"I'm not?" he breathed into my hair as he ran his hands up and down my sides. I shook my head in answer. He responded by wrappin' his arms around me and liftin' me onto the chair, not happy until my entire body was half beside, half on top of his on the lounger.
"You're softer than you usually are in my dreams…"
I sighed, not carin' anymore if he thought he was asleep; just relishin' the feelin' of bein' in his arms again.
"I knew I'd find you here." He paused and kissed the top of my head. "S'my favorite place." His breathin' evened out and I was afraid he'd fall back asleep.
"Edward, shouldn't we go inside?"
"Mmm hmm… tried… everything was spinning." He chuckled. "It's safer to stay here."
I smiled and shook my head. "I'll help you." I assured before standin' and tuggin' at his hands. With no little effort, I got him to his feet and then with one arm secured around his waist, we made our way inside.
The stairs presented a brand new challenge, but once we finally made it to the top, I was able to deposit a semi-conscious Edward onto his bed. I removed his shoes, and tried to make him as comfortable as possible before slippin' away to take a shower. He was snorin' before I crossed the threshold.
It ended up bein' the briefest shower in history. Fearin' that I was the one who was dreamin', I hurriedly washed away the dust and grime of the car journey, half expectin' Edward to have vanished by the time I arrived back in his bedroom.
Of course my fears proved to be unfounded.
I stood in the doorway, wrapped in a towel, and took in the sight of him before glancin' around the room. On the floor in front of the closet was a large canvas duffel bag, the same one Edward usually brought with him to Chincoteague. For some reason, it comforted me to know that he'd had the presence of mind to pack a bag before leavin' home.
It was at that moment I realized that I'd left my own bag in the car. I wasn't about to go outside in nothin' but a towel to retrieve it, so I quickly made my way over to Edward's bag and pulled out one of his t-shirts.
After droppin' the towel and slippin' the shirt over my head, I climbed into bed behind him. Now that I'd seen him, touched him, felt his arms around me again after all this time, I couldn't allow there to be any distance between us. I scooted closer until my front was pressed against his back, draped my arm around his waist and let sleep claim me.
***P*S***
I knew that touch.
Edward's gasp when he discovered I wasn't wearin' panties almost made me giggle out loud, but I was too lost in the feel of his hands on my skin. I'd missed this. I'd missed him.
"Bella," he whispered as he leaned in close, his lips findin' mine in the darkness. The kiss started out slow and sweet, but quickly turned desperate as our hands moved to pull the clothin' from our bodies. I ignored the small inner voice tellin' me not to do this; that I'd regret it in the harsh light of day when Edward was fully sober.
I didn't care. I needed him like oxygen. My dead heart had finally begun to beat again. I wasn't goin' to deny myself what I needed to survive.
"Oh, Edward, I missed you." I whispered between kisses.
"Bella, love you so much," he moaned.
My heart clenched.
He still loved me
Even after all this time
His lips crashed into mine once more as his hand travelled to the small of my back while he positioned himself between my legs.
His other hand touched me everywhere, caressin' my skin, ignitin' my desire for him; there was no denyin' that I wanted this.
What I did next was stupid and foolish, especially considerin' the way he'd ignored me for a year, but my rational side was no longer in control. "Make love to me, Edward."
He made a sound akin to a whimper as he brought his lips to my breast, kissin' and nippin', bringin' forth a wanton moan from my throat as I wriggled against him. "Please, Edward."
Once again, he covered my mouth with his as he pushed into me. The intrusion was uncomfortable for a moment only, but then I welcomed it. I felt tears fill my eyes as we were once again connected, body and soul. The way it was supposed to be.
"Missed this," he panted before pullin' almost all the way out and thrustin' back into me "Missed you."
I gasped as he shifted my body, the angle of his thrusts changin', deepenin' with the movement. "Oh God…" I moaned.
Soon his pace increased, becomin' feverish and frantic. "So sorry," he whispered over and over as I clenched the sheet with both hands, archin' into him, wantin' more…
Again and again, over and over until I let go of the sheet and buried my hands in Edward's hair. I clung to him as my walls tightened and we trembled together, Edward breathin' my name like a prayer as he came, before collapsin' on top of me.
I wanted the burn of havin' had him inside me. I wanted the feel of his weight holdin' me down. I wanted to keep the memory of this moment with me durin' the months to follow when Edward and I were forced to be separated while he attended school in Pennsylvania and I did so in Virginia.
The thought came to me then that maybe Edward could transfer to Richmond. We still had a couple of weeks before the semester began. Maybe there was still time?
I sighed loudly and Edward shifted most of his weight off of my body until he was pressed against my side. "Love you," he murmured. A few moments later, his breathin' evened out and I knew he'd drifted off to sleep again. I forced my eyes shut and thought of a happy future; one in which Edward and I were together, and soon followed him into unconsciousness.
***P*S***
"Edward," I breathed out the name.
He glanced toward me with a guilty expression before lookin' away. "Bella, I brought your bag from the car."
Suddenly feelin' very exposed, I pulled the sheet up to my chin. "Thank you."
He nodded and turned to leave.
"Edward, can we talk?"
I watched as his shoulders stiffened, but he didn't turn to face me before answerin'. "I think we need to, Bella. I'll give you a chance to dress."
The little bit of hope I'd felt last night began to evaporate as I pulled on panties and a sundress. I took a few minutes to brush my teeth and run a comb through my hair, before slowly descendin' the stairs.
I found him sittin' at the kitchen table, bent over a mug of coffee.
After clearin' my throat to warn him of my arrival, I spoke in a shaky voice. "How's your head?"
He shrugged, not turnin' to look at me. "Luckily, Mom keeps ibuprofen in the medicine chest."
I nodded and poured myself a cup. Somethin' told me I was goin' to need it.
After takin' the seat across from him, I waited, but soon realized that I'd have to be the one to begin this conversation. "Edward…"
"Bella," he cut me off. "I want to apologize for last night." He still wasn't lookin' at me as the words spilled from his mouth. "I was drunk. I should have stopped before taking advantage of you. I wasn't myself, and I'm sorry."
I swallowed back the lump formin' in my throat. "Edward, I don't regret last night."
He glared before continuin'. "Bella, don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't give me a pass again. I regret everything about last night, as should you. For Christ's sake, I didn't even use protection." He rubbed both hands roughly over his face. "Fuck, suppose you're pregnant. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?"
This was what he decided to focus on? The fact that I might be pregnant?
It was my turn to glare. "Don't worry about it, Edward." I snapped, causin' him to drop his hands and stare at me. "I'm covered. Mama insisted I go on birth control. Heaven forbid that I ruin your life any more than you've managed to do on your own."
"What…" He gave me a questionin' look before his expression hardened. "Whatever."
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before openin' them again and starin' at me, his features softenin'. "I'm sorry. I'm being a jerk. Again. It seems that I find ways to hurt you at every turn. I honestly don't mean to."
I gave a small nod in response.
"Bella, can you answer me one thing?"
"Okay," I replied, my tone wary.
"What the hell are you doing here? I didn't think anyone knew where I'd gone."
I shrugged. "Maybe I know you a little better than most people."
He seemed to contemplate that as he took another sip of coffee.
"So, can I ask you a question?"
"I guess." I noticed his frown was back in place.
"Why have you ignored me for over a year, Edward?" I tried not to sound bitter. "I was in love with you, I still am. I thought you felt the same. Was I wrong?"
"No, you weren't wrong." His eyes dropped once again to the mug he held in his hands. "Sometimes love isn't enough." He added in a whisper.
My love isn't enough…
Mama was right...
"Edward, if you didn't want me, don't you think we could have at least talked about this face to face. You owed me that much."
"Yes I did, and I should have. It was never a matter of not wanting you. I've always wanted you." He sighed. "It's just that, after the accident, seeing you wasn't an option. I knew your Dad would shoot me if I showed up on your doorstep. My probation limited my movements anyway. I thought it better that we kept our distance…"
Had I heard him correctly?
He did still want me. Edward hadn't stopped lovin' me. Maybe he just didn't want to tie me down while he dealt with his legal problems.
That must be it. My heart surged with new hope. So much was different now.
He no longer had his probation hangin' over his head, and we could resume our lives the way we were meant to…
I took in a deep breath and laid my hands, palms down on the table. "Okay; well, now you're your probation's over. You can travel freely. My leg is healed. We can see one another whenever we want. I'll sort out Daddy so he won't be a problem… I was thinkin' that maybe there's still time, you can register for school in Richmond…"
Edward interrupted. "Bella, what are you talking about?"
"I'm talkin' about tryin' to get our lives back on track, Edward. I've missed you so much." I reached to cover his hand with mine, only to have him wrench his away as he shook his head back and forth.
"It's not possible, Bella."
"Of course it is. This last year has sucked, I'll grant you that. But you wouldn't have wanted to be around me anyway," I tried to smile, "I was a mess when my leg was in a cast. And grumpy? My daddy questioned more than once where his sweet-tempered daughter had gone." I gave a nervous laugh.
"Bella" he was still shakin' his head, "I can't. I'm no good for you."
"Stop it." I said with narrowed eyes. "Edward, I am sick and tired of your self-loathin'. It's time you grew a pair."
His eyes widened in shock at my statement.
"Seriously, Bella?" He asked, not crackin' a smile.
"Yes." I folded my arms across my chest, darin' him to challenge me.
"You don't get it do you?" He asked in disbelief. "It was so easy for me to fall off the wagon and get drunk last night. And look at what I did? I took advantage of your feelings."
"You didn't…"
"How long, Bella?" He continued. "How long until I'd get drunk or high and hurt you again? How long until you finally have enough and leave me? That is, if you survive…"
"Edward, everyone has relapses. The important thing is to work hard so it won't happen again."
He laughed bitterly. "Bella, I get liquor whenever I want. I've managed to stay away from the drugs but that was only because of the blood tests. It's only a matter of time before I start that shit again as well; only a matter of time until I hurt you…"
He seemed so resigned to the idea that he would fail.
"Edward, you're not goin' to hurt me…"
He barked out a laugh, but there was no humor in it. "And you know this for certain? Oh wow, Bella; I have missed a lot in the last year. I had no idea that you'd become psychic during that time."
"Edward stop…"
"No, you stop Bella. What does it take to get through to you? You need to move on. I'm not a good person. Didn't last night prove that to you?"
He was so angry. It was difficult to face this Edward. He frightened me.
When he acted like this, it was almost impossible to remember that this was the boy I loved. I fought against the urge to turn and run from the room. I'd only end up curled in a ball somewhere until I cried myself to sleep. Instead, I dug in my heels for a fight.
"You're dead wrong, Edward," my voice low and serious. "I know you. I've known you most of my life. You're not who you say you are," I grabbed his hand again, and this time he didn't pull away. "You are good. You're one of the best people I've ever known. Ever since Daniel's," I swallowed hard, "death, you've been blamin' yourself. Edward, you loved your brother and he loved you. You would never have done anythin' to harm him…"
"Don't give me that, Bella," Edward raised his voice and stared at me with wide eyes, "I may not have meant to, but what happened to him was still my fault. I was weak, I wanted to be popular, and so I followed Jamie Hunter, thinking he was cool. I made one mistake, one stupid mistake," His voice cracked as tears escaped his eyes, "How long am I going to have to keep paying for it? You say Daniel loved me. You're right, he did. That was his mistake, because if he hadn't, he'd be alive right now!" He pulled his hand away from mine before coverin' his face, "I don't need or want anyone to love me." He muttered.
I stood from my chair and moved around the table. Once I reached his side, I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. "Please, Edward. I love you, doesn't matter what you want. I still do."
For a moment, I thought maybe my words were gettin' through, as he allowed me to cling to him. But then in one fluid movement, Edward was out of the chair and standin' on his feet. He took a step away from me, not takin' his eyes from mine as my arms fell to my sides.
I was losin' this fight. I could feel it.
I stayed on my knees beside his chair, lackin' the will to stand.
"You should go." He said in a low voice.
I shook my head. "I'm not goin' anywhere. And if you leave, I'll follow you."
"No, Bella."
"I don't care what you say, Edward. We're meant to be together."
"No, Bella, we're not." His tone was forceful, but I still wasn't buyin' it. I pushed to my feet and walked over until I stood in front of him.
"What will it take for you to understand that I'm poison?" His voice was hoarse, almost as if he was fightin' back tears of his own.
"You can't ever convince me of that."
He bit his lip, and stared into my eyes, seemin' to fight some internal battle before clenchin' his hands at his sides, his posture stiff. He looked down at me with cold eyes, his expression impassive.
"Maybe this will change your mind." He said in dead voice, "I fucked Amber."
I gasped, before I stopped breathin' altogether. Not believin' what I was hearin'.
"Before I drove down here yesterday, I stopped by JD's, she was there, and I fucked her."
The eyes that looked back at me were those of a stranger. As I stared, I saw no hint of a lie in them. Somehow I knew, as his cruel words washed over me, that there was no goin' back from this moment. Life as I'd known it was over.
***P*S***
I could see it in her eyes. She was never going to let go. And so I said the one thing that I knew would break her, but it was necessary if I wanted to save her life.
I lied.
I lied, certain that Bella would never believe my words said out of desperation.
However, as she stood there, still as stone, it dawned on me that she had accepted my blasphemy as truth.
How could she if she really knew how much I loved her?
Loved her enough to let her go
How could she believe that I'd be with anyone else?
Especially Amber…
I wouldn't fuck Amber with Jamie Hunter's dick.
A moment later, when Bella fled the room in tears, I didn't follow. I was overwhelmed by what I'd done. Being the pussy that I was, I let a few tears escape before I swallowed them back and splashed cold water on my face.
At that moment, I hated myself more than I ever had before. I was the lowest form of life.
I still had a chance to tell her the truth, to explain that I only wanted to protect her from what I'd become.
I could fix this. I could be happy.
But at what cost?
The image of Bella's broken body lying in that hospital bed was burned into my memory. I had done that, and it was only a matter of time before I did it again.
Or worse.
I took a deep breath, bracing myself for what was to come when I heard Bella descend the stairs a few minutes later.
Get a grip, Cullen. You started this, time to follow through.
"I suppose I need to be tested for STDs now, huh?" She sounded so broken, so hurt.
"What?" I didn't turn to face her, I couldn't.
"I need to know if I should be tested, Edward."
Oh. The lie.
I shook my head. "No. I used protection." What was one more lie on top of everything else?
She was quiet for a long moment. I finally turned to look at her and the expression on her face was like a knife to my heart.
Her eyes were red as fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. I clenched both fists at my sides to keep myself from reaching for her.
"You've broken my heart, Edward Cullen." She mumbled through a broken sob, before turning and walking through the door and out of my life.
***P*S***
No, not my girl.
Not anymore.
Be that as it may, the truth was that I'd always love her. And I would always worry about her.
Without a second thought, I dialed Chief Swan.
"Hello."
"Hello, Chief."
"Edward?"
"Yes, sir."
"What the hell do you want?"
It was obvious that he still hated me.
"I just want you to take care of her," I slurred. "I love her so much, even though she hates me. Just make sure she's okay."
"Have you spoken with her?" Charlie barked. "So help me God, Edward if you've upset her…"
"I did… upset her. But I had to do it, sir. She won't let go. I had to break her heart so she would see that I'm no good…" I took another drink.
"Edward, are you drunk?"
"Working on it." I chuckled quietly. "It doesn't matter about me. It's Bella you need to worry about. She looked so sad…" Tears filled my eyes as I thought about her broken expression before she left.
"What? You've seen her?" The Chief was kind of yelling now, "Edward, are you in Waverly?"
I shook my head back and forth. "Uh uh. I'm in Chincoteague. But Bella's not here anymore."
"Jesus Christ," the Chief muttered. "How long ago did she leave?"
"Um… an hour, I think." I blinked hard, tryin' to clear my head. "Just, promise me."
"Promise you what?" His tone reminded me of the way he sounded when he punched me a year ago.
"Take care of her." I whispered.
There was a long pause.
"I will, son." He answered in a whisper, and then he was gone.
I tossed my phone on the table and carried the bottle upstairs where I collapsed on my bed. Bella's scent surrounded me as I cried and attempted to drown the hurt.
I drank to the girl who owned my heart; the only girl I would ever love, and I wished more than anything that I could turn back the clock so that I could have become a man who was worthy of her.
Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
My beautiful
Tiptoe to your room
A starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
And you never knew
Sing for absolution
I will be singing
And falling from your grace
ooh
There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die
Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
My beautiful
Sing for absolution
I will be singing
Falling from your grace
Sing for absolution
I will be singing
Falling from your grace
yeah
Our wrongs remain unrectified
And our souls won't be exhumed…
***********A/N********
Believe me, I've given Popsicleward a stern talking to but it won't change the way this story is meant to play out.
Have faith.
Song Recs: "Love Has No Pride" by Linda Ronstadt. "Sing for Absolution" by Muse.
I'm on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories. (Sneak peeks every Thursday or Friday of whatever I'm working on at that moment.)
No comments:
Post a Comment