Chapter 15

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
…I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything…
…You visit me in my sleep
My darling…

-March-Bella, age 20 years…

"You should come up for Spring break, Bella." Alice was her usual cheerful self. "Grace is growing like a weed, I hardly recognize her whenever I come home."

"Cheryl is going to be here, I was hoping to spend time with her." I admitted. It wasn't a lie. Throughout the call, Alice hadn't mentioned whether her brother would be home for spring break. Even after more than two years, I had no desire for our paths to cross. "And I owe Daddy a little of my time. I haven't been home since February."

"Oh," Alice sounded disappointed. "Well then, this summer for sure. You have to come to Chincoteague. I haven't seen you in a year, and I also want you to meet Jasper."

"You're bringing him home?"

"Yes. I think it's time he met my family, and that includes you."

Alice had been attending school on the west coast. Leave it to her to have fallen in love with her German professor. "How very Jo March of you," I'd told her at the time with a giggle.

I teased her relentlessly after she admitted that she only took the course in the first place because she thought the professor was cute.

After years of witnessing Alice's crushes firsthand, I knew that her feelings for Jasper were different from the others. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the real deal.

"Jasper gets me," had been her simple statement at the time, but it made perfect sense to me. There were very few people in this world that actually got Alice. She was unique. That fact alone made her all the more dear to me.

I'd never told her precisely what had transpired between Edward and I that summer. All she knew was that her parents got a phone call from my father and left immediately for Chincoteague. Edward was in quite a state when they found him, and he spent the next week in the hospital.

They wouldn't come right out and call it rehab, but that's essentially what it was.

I tried not to care.

I failed miserably.

***P*S***

As I waited for Cheryl's plane to land, I thought back over the months since I'd last seen her. She hadn't come home for Christmas; her family had chosen instead, to fly to Chicago. Cheryl had an aunt and uncle who lived thirty minutes from Northwestern's campus, so both families had spent the holiday happily together.

My Christmas had been spent at home with my daddy.

Despite the fact that we phoned one another every couple of days, I hadn't laid eyes on her since August. I'd asked Cheryl's mom to allow me to be the one to meet her flight, and she'd agreed. The plan was for Cheryl to stay with me in Richmond the first night, and then we'd drive down to Waverly the following day.

"What do you mean you're not coming home for the summer?" I asked Cheryl as we drove into the city. "You always spend the summer in Waverly."

I tried to swallow back my disappointment. Over the last three years, Cheryl and Alice had been my lifelines. They were truly the only thing that kept me sane as I attempted to deal with the loss of Edward in my life.

I'd never been one to make friends easily, and found that the same had held true in college. Or maybe it was just the fact that I no longer cared to put forth the effort.

Those first two years after I'd walked away from him had been a bleak time. I threw myself into my studies, not caring about anything else.

Even though I didn't see either of them during the school year, I usually spent most of the summer with Cheryl, and got to see Alice then as well. It was the only time all year that I'd allow myself to feel a small measure of happiness.

Cheryl bit her lip nervously. "B, I'm taking a couple of courses this summer and I also have a part-time job lined up at a rehab facility. It was too good of an opportunity to turn down."

She gave me a regretful look, "I am sorry."

I didn't want our brief time together to be tainted by any bad feelings, so I attempted to shrug it off. "It's okay."

"So how soon until I meet your friends?" Cheryl asked as we neared our destination.

I suppose most college students my age, when asked about their new friends, would have many more than could be counted on one hand. In my case however, there were only two people in the city who qualified, and they were technically my landlords.

"Um, Rose said she'd be late tonight, so Em is picking up the girls. He'll probably be there when we arrive."

After finishing my first two years at the community college close to home, I transferred to VCU in Richmond. Living in the dorm hadn't seemed like such a terrible prospect at first; however it turned out that my roommate, for reasons known only to her, couldn't stand me.

It happened before with Edward's 'friends' in Pennsylvania. You'd think I would be used to the rejection by now…

Regardless of her reasons, in seeing that Lauren reminded me of Amber in both looks and attitude, I found it easy to return the disdain she obviously felt for me.

Amber.

Amber and Edward.

The thought of the two of them together still nauseated me.

There were many nights where I still dreamed about the boy I loved. In my dreams he was happy and healthy, his life not yet marred by the loss of his brother. However, no matter how pleasant the dream, it always ended the same way. Amber would suddenly appear, clinging to Edward's side and would whisper in his ear before they would both turn to laugh at me.

I would wake with a start, trembling from head to toe, tears pouring down my face. Thankfully, I was silent in my misery so I never disturbed anyone else. Not even Lauren, the evil witch of a roommate, had a clue what demons I was battling in my sleep.

When I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter what I did or how I behaved, Lauren wasn't going to like me, I quietly looked into switching roommates. What I discovered was that it was next to impossible to do so before the semester was over. There was also the fear that whoever replaced Lauren would be even worse. So, I suffered through until December, deciding that putting up with her was still better than driving over an hour to and from Waverly each day.

The thought occurred to me that, if I got a part-time job, and if Daddy helped, I could probably afford a small apartment.

I spent my free time that autumn searching for one.

Unfortunately, the apartments that were in my price range were not in the safest of neighborhoods; the sidewalks outside usually littered with hookers or crack addicts, visible even during daylight hours.

Just when I was about to give up hope, I ran into Sue during one of my weekend trips home, and she told me about the daughter of a friend of hers who was looking for a boarder.

It sounded perfect.

Rosalie and her husband, Emmett, owned a house in the Fan District, very convenient to the campus, so I immediately phoned to set up an interview.

Despite my awkwardness, Rose seemed to like me. Her husband, although a little intimidating at first sight with his multiple piercings and tattoos, turned out to be a big teddy bear. But, hands down the best part of the interview was getting to meet their two year old twins, Maya and Kara. Those little girls owned me from the moment I first laid eyes on them.

The amount of rent for the room was exceptionally low and when I asked why, Rose seemed hesitant to answer. It didn't take long for me to discover her reasons. She and Emmett had never rented out a room before, and really didn't need the extra money. However, they had discovered that juggling their demanding careers and the care of two children left precious little time for anything else. They were hoping to find a boarder who was not averse to a bit of light housework in order pay part of their way.

Rose was absolutely delighted when I told her that I'd been taking care of mine and Daddy's house on my own for years and what she required would in no way infringe on the time needed for my studies.

Especially considering I have no social life whatsoever…

Obviously, I didn't share that fact with Em and Rose.

Em was a tattoo artist, and Rose ran a small restaurant, with an emphasis on vegan and vegetarian dishes, around the corner from their home. By the time the interview was over, I not only had an affordable place to live but a part-time waitressing job, which would provide me with a bit of spending money as well.

"Nice digs, B." Cheryl said as she looked around Em and Rose's foyer.

Their home was lovely, but also comfortable and designed to stand up to two rambunctious toddlers.

"Thanks very much," I looked up the see Em standing in the doorway, arms folded across his chest while smiling widely.

"Hi Em, this is my friend Cheryl," the words had no sooner left my mouth before I felt the force of two small bodies hurtling themselves into my legs, as two pairs of tiny arms wrapped around me.

"Bewwa!" Maya squealed with delight.

"No, my Bewwa!" Kara challenged, whilst trying to push her sister away.

After I managed to peel them off of my legs, I knelt down and pulled them both into a hug. "I'm Maya's Bella and Kara's Bella too." I said with a smile before depositing kisses on two little cheeks.

The girls giggled in response.

"Sorry, Bella, they've been full of energy since I picked them up from preschool."

"You never need to apologize for these little angels." I told him with a smile.

"So, Rose sent over some dinner, you girls hungry?"

"Famished!" Cheryl answered with a smile.

I envied her self-confidence. Cheryl had left the awkwardness of our teenage years far behind her. Admittedly, I was still working on it.

"Bella says you're studying to be a physical therapist?" Em asked before scarfing down half a veggie taco.

Cheryl nodded. "Yeah, it was something I didn't know I was interested in until B here," she said gesturing toward me with her thumb, "broke her leg just before our senior year of high school. I used to go with her to the PT appointments. I found it fascinating."

Em's eyebrows rose in surprise, "How'd you break your leg, Bella?"

"Uh," I shook my head and blinked a couple of times, willing the images from that night to go away, "car accident."

"Oh." He said with a small nod before turning to give Maya more rice; the expression on my face probably convincing him to drop the subject.

***P*S***

The few days spent with Cheryl went by entirely too quickly and before I knew it, we were saying goodbye at the airport.

"Gonna miss you, Bella." She said during a fierce hug. "But we'll talk all the time, okay?"

I nodded. "Sure."

She picked up her carryon and hugged her Mom and Dad one last time.

Suddenly, an idea began to form in my mind. "Hey, Cheryl?" I asked as I mentally calculated how much money I could squirrel away during the next few months.

"Yeah, Bella?"

"Since you can't come home, maybe I could come out to Chicago sometime this summer?" I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it before.

Cheryl looked a little stunned at first, but quickly schooled her features in an attempt to hide her reaction. She seemed to ponder what I'd suggested before giving a small nod. However, I noticed that she didn't look happy at the prospect of my visit. "Yeah, sounds good, we'll um, we'll discuss it, B."

She gave me a tight smile before turning to leave.

I was stunned, but managed to hide that fact from Cheryl's family. Once I was in the relative privacy of my car, I let my head fall back against the seat and tried to understand what had just happened. Never before had Cheryl acted as if she didn't want me around.

It hurt to think that her life was in Chicago now, and that I wasn't particularly welcome to be a part of it. It was at that moment that my basic insecurities gained a foothold and any rational explanation for Cheryl's behavior was set aside.

She was attending a prestigious university with plans of attending grad school after, while I was scraping by in order to finish my four years.

And friends? Of course she had new friends now; friends who were no doubt much more interesting than me…

Suddenly, Jamie Hunter's words from years before returned unwelcome to my mind:

…you're nothing except a needy little hick…

… I keep waiting for Cullen to wake up and realize that you're not in his league. Mark my words, it will happen…

Is that what had happened with Cheryl? Had I lost another person I loved?

Mama, Miss Ruthie, Daniel, Edward, now Cheryl…

When was it going to stop? Who would be next? Maybe Alice would realize that I wasn't worth her time? Or something awful would happen to my daddy…

Even considering the 'what ifs' made it difficult to breathe...

My common sense kicked in then and reminded me that Cheryl was one of my best friends. We'd just spent almost a week together without a cross word passing between us. There was a good chance that I'd misinterpreted her reaction. Her summer promised to be very busy, and maybe she was worried about having time to spend with me.

I waited a couple of weeks before deciding to test my theory during one of our almost daily phone calls.

"So, I was wondering how busy you'll be in August?"

"August?"

"Yeah, Rose said that business tends to slow during that month before classes resume, so it would be the perfect time to take a week off and maybe fly out to see you."

"Oh, wow. Um, yeah." She paused. "Gosh, B, I'd love to see you, but there's a workshop I've signed up to attend in L.A. for a week, and then my schedule when I get back home is going to be crazy. We wouldn't have any time together."

"That's okay; I wouldn't mind exploring on my own as long as I got to see you some of the time." I urged.

"Nah, Bella. I think it's better to wait. I'm definitely coming home for Christmas this year. We'll hang out then, okay?"

I drew in a deep breath and released it. "Okay."

The line was silent for a moment.

"You sure, B? You don't sound okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I answered in a small voice.

Cheryl sighed and then spoke in a very low voice. "B, you know I want to see you, right? It's just that… there are some things…" She sighed again. "Look, we'll talk at Christmas. I promise." She sounded as if she'd made up her mind about something.

She's finally going to tell me that we've grown apart.

Maybe she's trying to find a way to let me down easy…

***P*S***

Over the next few months, I did what I always did best; I withdrew.

My logic was simple; if I didn't allow myself to get close to others, the inevitable loss of them in my life wouldn't hurt as badly.

I distanced myself from my classmates even further than I had before; and whenever I went home to Waverly, I hid in the house, turning down Daddy's offers to take me to the diner; or anywhere else for that matter. I just couldn't face Wanda, Sue, or anyone for whom I'd be forced to plaster on a fake smile and relay the boring details of my life away from home.

The plan worked, except when it came to Maya and Kara. Trying to stay away from those little girls proved to be impossible. They managed to lift my spirits even on the grayest of days; much like little Grace Cullen did whenever I spent time with her.

I found that I craved their hugs, their smiles and being witness to how they communicated with one another in a way they alone understood.

Although I attempted to hide my hurt feelings from Cheryl during our phone calls, I had no doubt that she guessed what her rejection had caused.

After all, she knew me every bit as well as Alice and almost as well as E…

No. Don't think about him.

There were several times over the phone that I thought she was going to go ahead and admit that she'd outgrown our friendship instead of waiting until Christmas to tell me, but it never happened. Instead, the calls became more and more strained as time went on.

I still took a week's vacation in August, but instead of going where I obviously wasn't wanted, I allowed Alice to badger me into spending that week in Chincoteague.

-August- Bella, Age 20 years…

It was the first time I'd been back since that unforgettable morning three years before.

I would be staying at our cottage, which would be difficult enough. The alternative, staying in the Cullens' house, was simply out of the question.

Too many memories, all of which were still raw, even years later…

It was late Saturday afternoon by the time I arrived in Chincoteague, but instead of turning down the street that would take me to the cottage, I continued on the road that led across the bridge to Assateague Island, and the beach.

Before I could face the memory of the last time I'd seen Edward, I needed the feel of sand under my feet, and the soothing sound of waves breaking against the shore.

As I drove, everything appeared to be as it had every summer for the past fifteen years; that was until I arrived at the beach itself.

It was then I remembered Alice mentioning that the hurricane damage from two Septembers ago had been extensive. I parked the car at the southernmost end of the lot and climbed out, looking around me in bewilderment.

Gone was the large sand dune which used to obscure the view of the ocean from the parking lot. Also missing was the large wooden building which used to house showers and changing rooms. Now, if beachgoers needed those facilities, they would have to use one of the many new portable structures set up along the back end of the lot.

The entire landscape had changed, to the point that it barely resembled the place I'd remembered from my childhood.

Before I could will them away, tears pooled in my eyes. This was the one place where I thought I would still find that part of me which once upon a time had been happy, a part still undamaged by the events of the past few years.

I was wrong.

There really was no going back.

My heart was heavy as I made my way towards the water's edge. I chose a spot where the sand was still dry and sat down, drawing my knees to my chest as I stared off towards the horizon. Thankfully, this end of the beach wasn't very crowded, so there weren't many to witness my tears.

It was silly that something so insignificant could affect me so deeply. But as I sat there quietly sobbing, I came to realize that I wasn't crying over the loss of a couple of landmarks on a beach. At long last, I was allowing myself to grieve for the loss of the child that I once was. The little girl who came here year after year, her mind racing with new possibilities and her heart filled with hope for the future.

Never once had that younger version of me considered the possibility that Edward would not be included in that future.

So I grieved.

I grieved for the life that once was; for the life that could have been…

Something inside of me was shifting, and even though I knew I'd love him for the rest of my life, I wondered whether I was finally ready to let Edward go.

***P*S***

I could hear Alice's squeals of delight the moment I pulled into the driveway. "Bella!" I looked over to see Alice, Grace and Esme running across the yard to greet me.

I'd spent over an hour on the beach, contemplating what I could have done differently in my relationship with Edward; ultimately accepting that I simply wasn't what he needed at the time in order to take that first step toward recovery.

Sure, I could have humiliated myself further, admitting that I loved him so deeply that I'd even be willing to share him with Amber...

No

It simply wasn't true for, as much as I loved Edward, I still had my self-respect. Deep down I knew that the pain I'd been experiencing from the loss of him paled in comparison to what I'd be dealing with if he had remained in my life.

The anger and bitterness about what he'd done with her would have eaten me alive.

Accepting that fact had helped slow the tears; and once I'd pulled myself together, I made use of one of the portable restrooms to wash and dry my face. When I finished, I doubted that even Alice would suspect that I'd been crying.

The last time I'd seen the Cullens was a year earlier, when they stopped by to visit on their way to Chincoteague; a habit they'd gotten into since Grace's birth.

Needless to say, Edward was never with them.

I tried not to glance toward the house, concentrating instead on the laughing little girl bounding toward me.

My how she'd grown.

Before she was even born, I knew Grace would be beautiful.

Now, at almost four years old, she was absolutely lovely with her brown hair that fell in waves past her shoulders, and her eyes, the same brilliant green that both Edward and Daniel had inherited from their mother; a beautiful, painful reminder of those I'd lost.

"Yay!" Grace shouted and clapped her hands after everyone had hugged me hello. "Mommy," she turned to face Esme, "we go see the ponies now?"

Esme laughed. "Yes, baby." She answered before turning to me. "This child has a memory like an elephant," she laughed. "I promised her early this morning that we'd go to see the ponies after you arrived."

I couldn't help but smile at Grace who stood beside her mother, beaming.

"Bella, honey," Esme continued, "why don't you unpack and whenever you're ready we can go get something to eat," she looked down at Grace, "and then we'll visit the ponies."

I nodded, "Sounds like a plan."

I hoisted the cooler into my arms while Alice grabbed my bag and followed me into the cottage.

We moved in silence to the kitchen where I began to place the perishables into the fridge. Alice fidgeted as she watched me. "Okay, Alice. I know you're about to burst, so I'll ask. Where's Jasper?" I spoke his name in a breathy tone as I fluttered my eyelashes dramatically.

"Ass," Alice laughed as she gave me a light swat on the arm. "He's on the back deck with Dad, drinking beer and smoking cheap cigars. Ugh. He'll be lucky if I allow him to kiss me afterthat."

I laughed; my heart already lighter after spending five minutes with Alice.

She helped me unpack, and once I'd washed up and changed clothes, we exited through the back door, and crossed the short distance to the Cullens' deck

I forced my gaze up and took in the house before me. Nothing about it had changed in three years, apart from the fact that a new coat of paint had been applied. I barely glanced at the two men seated on the deck before my eyes were drawn to the bedroom window directly above them.

Edward's bedroom window.

Deep breath.

"Bella!" Carlisle exclaimed before bounding down the steps to greet me with a hug. "Good to see you, honey."

After the hug, Alice cleared her throat and touched her hand to my upper arm. "Bella, I'd like you to meet Jasper."

I returned Jasper's smile and took his offered hand. "Bella, we finally meet. I've heard a lot of good things about you."

I glanced at Alice, wondering exactly how much she'd confided to Jasper about my past with her brother.

Of course she's told him. Why wouldn't she?

What happened between Edward I wasn't a secret after all…

"Likewise, Jasper," I smiled as I shook his hand.

***P*S***

I supposed the old saying "opposites attract" was true because Jasper was Alice's opposite in many ways, but it was clear that they adored one another.

I was happy for my friend, but had to admit that I found it a bit awkward to be around them for any length of time. Their hand-holding and sweet kisses, especially while we were at the beach, brought back too many painful memories.

***P*S***

The night before I was due to return to Richmond, Alice decided that we needed a 'girls' night'. She showed up at my cottage door, pillow and overnight bag in hand.

"You are too funny," I told her as she brushed past me in a rush to get inside.

"Quick, let me in. I had to sneak out because if Grace gets an inkling of where I've gone, she will be over here in a flash."

I laughed at her panicked state.

"And we wouldn't get rid of her until morning." Alice sighed and smiled indulgently. "I find it difficult to tell her 'no'."

I understood exactly what she meant. Grace was a truly endearing child, so full of life and wonder. After the loss of Daniel, she had been exactly what the Cullens' needed to help heal their broken hearts.

Even with all the attention she received, Grace wasn't spoiled; not in the least. She was sweet, kind, and unselfish which made it difficult to refuse her anything.

We spent that evening camped out in the living room.

At Alice's insistence, we painted our toenails, ate junk food, and watched chick flicks. She claimed this was the usual routine at a sleepover. Having never been to one, I took her word for it.

She also talked me into sharing a bottle of chilled champagne. "Don't laugh, but this was the best the Food Mart had to offer. Let's hope it doesn't taste like Alka-Seltzer."

The champagne was tolerable, and we both drank without complaint. After the second glass it didn't matter anyway, as the alcohol began to have an effect.

I stifled a giggle as Alice relayed how she'd tried to sneak into Jasper's room the night before. "Oh my God, I swear I was as stealthy as a ninja, but my mother has some kind of superpower or something," she grinned before sipping a little more champagne. "When I rounded the corner toward his room, she was just standing there, in the dark, with her arms folded over her chest. Luckily, I didn't scream and wake everyone in the house, but she scared the crap out of me."

Just imagining Esme lying in wait to catch Alice and Jasper had me falling back on the sleeper sofa, my body shaking with laughter.

"It doesn't matter that I'm twenty-one years old, and that Jasper and I spend every weekend together at his apartment." She continued, joining me in laughter as she spoke, "Mom informed us soon after we arrived that we'd be in separate bedrooms, to avoid any funny business." Alice rolled her eyes before downing the rest of her champagne.

"She obviously doesn't trust you," I teased as she refilled our glasses.

"Well, it's your fault," she slurred.

"My fault?"

"Yeah, ever since she found out about you and Edward doing the nasty, she's been really strict…" Alice seemed to catch herself, or maybe it was the pained expression on my face which caused her to gasp and cover her mouth. "Oh, Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up any of that…"

"It's okay." I gently touched her forearm. "It still bothers me how your parents found out about things, but I can't run away from the fact that I had a relationship with your brother."

Alice bit her lip as she studied my reaction. "It means a lot to me that we can still be friends, despite everything that's happened. I hope you know that."

I nodded and swallowed past the lump in my throat.

"You're my best friend." I admitted. "You're the only person in the world who I can really talk to."

"You're mine too, Bella." Alice hesitated as she watched me, "But, you used to confide in Cheryl as well. I noticed you haven't mentioned her once this week. Did you guys have a falling out?"

Alice knew me too well.

I hugged a throw pillow to my stomach and proceeded to tell her about Cheryl's odd reaction when I mentioned wanting to visit her. Maybe it was the effects of the champagne, but I found myself wiping away tears while confiding my feelings of rejection to my dearest friend.

"Oh Bella," Alice was crying as well when she hugged me. "I don't know what to say. This doesn't sound like the Cheryl I've met."

"I know…"

"Maybe everything will right itself when you see her at Christmas?"

"Maybe," I shrugged.

I wasn't going to hold my breath…

We finished that round of drinks in silence, and as the alcohol helped me relax further, I pushed my worries about Cheryl from my mind.

"Do you think you'll marry Jasper?" I asked, changing the subject.

Alice's hopeful smile lit up her face. "I think so. I mean, I honestly can't see my future without him."

Her words reminded me of a time when I felt the same way about Edward. I may have not known back then what career path I would take after college, or where I would be living, but I was always certain that Edward would be with me.

It seemed that fate had other plans.

Along with those memories, images of Edward invaded my thoughts. They were the same ones I used to dwell on when he wouldn't return my phone calls, but were all but purged from my memory since our breakup.

My heart burned with regret over what could have been, and ached over the fact that I missed him.

I still missed him.

So much.

No matter how many years passed, that would never change.

My traitorous heart, overcome with longing for the boy I still loved, took advantage of my inebriated state, and caused me to blurt out the words I never would have spoken while sober.

"Tell me something," I began.

"Hmm?" Alice blinked slowly, looking as if she wanted nothing more than to lie down and go to sleep.

I cleared my throat and poured more champagne into my glass. The next sip I took was for courage. "How is Edward doing?" I paused. "What is Edward doing?"

Alice's eyes opened wide in surprise while her mouth formed a little 'o'. After a moment, she finally relaxed and spoke. "Are you drunk, Bella?" Her head shook in disbelief. "Or maybe I am, because I thought I just heard you ask about Edward?"

I nodded. "I did."

"Uh…" she continued to study my face. "Bella, I thought that subject was off-limits?"

I took a deep breath and released it. "I suppose I've finally decided that it's time to face my past. I just need to know that he's okay."

Alice had alluded to the fact that Edward had responded well to therapy during the last year or so, before that, things had been unpredictable.

"You're sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, in answer to your first question, he's doing well. I mentioned before the relapses he's had."

I nodded again.

"After that first stay in the hospital, Mom and Dad seemed to have finally woken up. Edward got some intense therapy. He balked of course and it took over a year before he responded in a positive way." Alice closed her eyes and I watched a lone tear trail down her cheek. "It was a very difficult time. Grace was so small, and my parents were dealing with Edward while at the same time trying their best to shelter her. His behavior was volatile at worst and erratic at best. He wanted little or nothing to do with the baby. During our family sessions, it came out that his guilt over Daniel's death was the underlying reason. He is terrified of getting close to her." She sniffled as I hugged my arms around myself.

"After an ugly relapse and more weeks spent in rehab, he appeared to have finally made the decision to get well. I haven't seen a lot of it firsthand, due to attending school in California, but Mom and Dad seem to be convinced this time." She wiped her eyes. "Anyway, as far as I know, he's been sober for a year now. He moved off-campus and has an apartment. I visited him last week and he explained that it was better for his sobriety to be away from the dorm." She shrugged.

"Is he," I hesitated, angry with myself for asking the question, "Does he live alone?"

Alice bit her lip. "Yeah. He lives alone."

It was obvious that there was more to her answer than Alice was willing to reveal.

"Anyway, he's been taking summer classes to try and play catch up with everything he's missed. I think if it wasn't for that, he probably would have come with us to Chincoteague."

My heart leapt in my chest at the thought, "Even knowing that I'd be here?"

Alice frowned deeply. "I honestly can't say, Bella."

I was abruptly angry with myself for allowing that brief glimmer of hope. Obviously, my heart still wasn't accepting of the fact that Edward and I were over.

We sat in silence for some time before I felt a soft touch on my arm. "Bella," I looked up to find Alice watching me with a kind expression, "If you're not comfortable telling me, I'll understand, but I'd really like to know what happened that summer three years ago?"

I suppose I could blame the alcohol, because I was abruptly overcome with the urge to tell Alice everything. For three years, I'd kept the details to myself, not even sharing the events of that weekend with Cheryl.

Warm, wet tears spilled from my eyes and a sob escaped my lips as I unburdened my soul to my closest friend. Alice wrapped her arms around me the way Mama used to whenever I had a bad dream. She let me cry into her shirt as I told her of those last desperate moments before I walked out of Edward's life for good.

"Oh, Bella." Alice cried with me again. "He really doesn't deserve you, and it has nothing to do with Daniel's death, as he believes." She took a deep breath, "I just… I mean, you've gotto be kidding me. Amber? Seriously? Just ew. Although, I can't believe that there's anything going on between them anymore. Last I heard she had dropped out of school, gotten married and was living in Harrisburg." She sighed loudly while shaking her head.

All this time I'd been imagining Edward with Amber, my heart felt lighter knowing that she was no longer a factor.

"You know," she continued, "Edward's my brother and I love him, but he can be such a douchebag."

I couldn't help it; her words caused the tears to subside and be replaced by a fit of giggles. It wasn't long before Alice joined me, and a moment after that, we were both sprawled across the sofa bed, laughing loudly as we wiped away the remnants of our tears.

"I think there's a possibility that we're sloppy, stinking drunk right now," she managed to gasp.

"You may be right," I grinned widely before laughing again.

When the laughter finally ended, we lay there quietly.

Just as I felt the pull of sleep begin to overtake me, Alice spoke again.

"Bella, I really hope you find a nice guy." Her voice was barely a whisper. "You deserve to be happy."

Knowing Alice as I did, her statement held much deeper meaning than the words implied. She may have viewed my not dating as a sign that I was still holding out hope for a future with Edward.

Maybe subconsciously, I had been.

Alice, in her own way, was telling me to move on.

Had Edward? I wasn't masochistic enough to ask.

My chest started to hurt; the pain almost as unbearable as that day three years before when I climbed into my car and drove out of Edward's life for good.

-Summer- Edward, Age 22 years

I rubbed my eyes after reading Alice's e-mail for the second time. It had been filled with details about the family's latest vacation in Chincoteague. I'd already heard most of it from Mom over the phone; however, she had kept the talk of Bella to a minimum.

Alice resented me for what I'd put Bella through; and she knew that hearing news about her was painful. And yes, Alice loved to twist the knife a little deeper whenever possible.

Can't say I blamed her for the way she felt. I would never forgive myself for the way I'd treated Bella, and there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't wish I could have handled things differently.

That being said, I didn't regret the end result. I was poison to anyone who came in contact with me back then. Even three years later, I still wasn't perfect, but I wasn't striving for perfection.

Normal would be more than okay with me.

Bella had needed to be free of me before I destroyed her, and if breaking her heart was the only way to achieve that, then so be it.

I scanned the e-mail again, rereading just the parts about Bella.

So, she had decided to pursue teaching once she graduated…

The thought of Bella teaching a group of young minds made me smile. I'd always known that she was blessed with infinite patience; it was evident by the way she tolerated my barbaric treatment of her for so long.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was a perfect career choice for her. Although, I had no doubt that Bella would excel at whatever she chose to do.

The fact that she'd told Alice that her preference was for teaching at the high school level had surprised me though. Bella was never a fan of high school when she was a student, so the fact that she wanted to, in a sense, return there, boggled my mind. But knowing Bella, it was precisely because of the children who were like her, those who felt a little different from the rest, a little isolated and left out, that she would be drawn to help them.

My jealousy spiked as I imagined the hormonal teenage boys on the first day of school when they got a look at the beautiful Miss Swan. My girl was a head turner that was for sure.

Damnit

She's not my girl

I rubbed my chest as the familiar ache returned. I missed her so damned much. I missed the feel of her skin. I missed the sound of her voice. I missed her laugh.

Alice never mentioned whether Bella had a boyfriend, but I didn't delude myself into thinking that she was still single after all this time.

A lump formed in my throat and I suddenly felt exhausted, drained.

I really needed a drink.

Fuck

Staying clean and sober was a daily struggle. The times I thought about Bella, which was often, were the most difficult.

I closed my laptop. The sudden urge to hit up the nearest liquor store had me on my feet and moving across the room to grab my keys before I even realized what I was doing.

Once I held them in my hand, I shook my head in disgust and reflexively hurled them across the room. I heard them land on the floor behind the nightstand with a satisfying thud.

After exiting toward the living room, I sat on the sofa, head in hand as I mentally calculated whether I had enough cash to buy a bottle of Johnnie Walker. I couldn't use my credit card because Mom watched my account like a hawk.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Out of desperation, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jane's number.

"Hey Eddie. What's doin' witchu?"

Jane never failed to make me smile. She was all of five foot one and maybe weighed in at a hundred pounds, but she loved to give the impression that she was a badass. I'd met her during my last stint in recovery. She'd been battling her own demons for years, and had been in and out of rehab at least four times. We began an awkward friendship, which during the past year, had grown into a mutual dependency.

We'd become one another's lifelines when the temptation to fall off the wagon became too difficult to handle.

"Today is turning out to be a challenge." I spoke through clenched teeth, something which she picked up on immediately.

"Seems that I've got fuck all to do this evening. How about I pick up some Ben & Jerry's and we watch Boondock Saints on that prime flat screen of yours?"

I closed my eyes and nodded, knowing she couldn't see me. "Sounds good."

"So, two containers of Chocolate Fudge Brownie it is."

"Peach Cobbler for me."

Jane sighed into the phone. "You disgust me." She muttered. "You know how I feel about that Eddie."

I couldn't contain my laughter. Jane thought it a crime to eat any ice cream that didn't contain some form of chocolate, so of course I couldn't resist fucking with her. The banter was enough to distract me from my desire for alcohol.

Thank God that blow no longer held the allure that it once did. If I messed up, I wanted it to at least be with something that wouldn't send me to prison, and cocaine certainly wasn't it.

Abruptly, I was very thankful that alcohol remained my only addiction.

Well that, and Bella…

Jane arrived less than thirty minutes later. I polished off my ice cream just as Connor and Murphy were shooting the Fat Man and his henchmen.

Once the movie was over, I knew Jane would want me to spill.

She didn't disappoint.

"So what was your trigger this time?"

I shook my head, the yearning for the booze long gone, but I certainly didn't want to talk about Bella to Jane. That discussion would surely have me going in search of something a lot stronger than Johnnie Walker.

"Just… family shit. Trust me; it's a long boring story."

"A-huh," Jane quirked an eyebrow. "I've got time."

I rubbed a hand over my face. "I got an e-mail from my sister. The family spent some time at our vacation home at the beach and… let's just say I was reminded of some shit I'd much rather forget."

"About your brother?"

I didn't realize until after I'd blurted the answer, that I should have lied, "No."

"Not about your brother?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, it's sort of related. Look, I really don't want to talk about it."

Jane drew in a deep breath, "Old girlfriend?"

Damn she was intuitive

The fact was that Jane knew I had an ex, but I'd never shared anything about Bella with her. Not even her name. Maybe I should have, seeing as how Jane had helped save my ass time and time again; however, I'd done the same for her. It wasn't my fault that she had shared every minute detail of her past relationships. I'd never asked her to, but she seemed compelled to let it out.

That just wasn't me.

My memories of Bella were mine and mine alone, and would forever remain that way.

I shrugged in answer, "Sort of. Alice has been keeping me updated and, I don't know, it opened up some old wounds."

"You know, Eddie, you don't say much about this girl, but I'm not stupid. I know you had a bad breakup. What happened? She couldn't take dealing with your addictions and bailed on you?"

I frowned, "No, nothing like that."

Jane eyed me skeptically, "Yeah, sure. Fool yourself if you want Eddie, but I've been dumped by guys who claimed to love me, but it wasn't enough for them to stick around while I went through detox."

I squeezed my eyes shut while shaking my head. "No, it was my fault. All of it."

Jane grew silent for a moment.

I blinked my eyes open; it was hard to tell if she believed me or not, her facial expression gave nothing away. "Look," her tone softened as she placed her hand on my arm. I stared at it. Her touch shouldn't have felt uncomfortable, after all she was a good friend, but it did. I held perfectly still in order not to hurt her feelings by jerking my arm away. "The fact is that, unless she's been there, she'll never understand what you're going through."

She removed her hand and looked away. "You need to tell Doc about this."

I nodded.

Doctor Santos was the first therapist I'd seen whose methods actually seemed to make a difference; although it may have been the fact that I was finally at a place where I was willing to accept help. Jane was a patient of hers as well and told me that she'd seen a lot of doctors over the years and that Doc Santos was the real deal.

Doc was tough. She didn't pull any punches, and we both seemed to respond well to that. I knew she was going to be pissed that I'd kept things from her. Namely that merely hearing news about my ex-girlfriend could cause me to come dangerously close to drowning my sorrows. If that had happened, it wouldn't have taken much for me to give up the fight altogether and hunt down some coke…

Then where the hell would I be?

Fuck

"Thanks for coming over, Jane." I told her sincerely.

"Hey, you'd do the same for me." She paused, "Correction, you have done the same for me. Need I remind you of the times I've fucked up and you took care of me?"

Images of Jane hurling into a toilet, helping her from the floor and into her bed, flashed through my mind. Luckily, I hadn't had a relapse since we'd started looking out for each other, and I prayed she'd never have to witness that particular shit storm.

"Fair enough," I agreed, the exhaustion from earlier returning. I stretched my arms over my head. "Hey, if you don't mind, I'm gonna crash." I said, gesturing toward my bedroom door. "Just lock up when you leave."

Jane bit the inside of her cheek as she stared at me. "Uh, about that. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? My roommate brought home another stray." She announced with a roll of her eyes. "Knowing that slut, she'll keep me up all night with the "Oh, baby, yeah. Let me ride your big, hard…"

I cut her off with a snort of amusement as I held my hands up, palms out, "Stop, stop! I get it; too much information."

Jane cackled out a laugh as she went to the closet where I kept extra pillows and blankets. She moved towards the sofa to make up her bed as I walked over to the closet, reminded of something I needed to tell her.

"Oh, by the way," I said as I reached the top shelf and pulled out a lacy purple bra before tossing it at her head. "Please don't leave your girly shit behind this time."

"Hey, I was wondering where that was." She held the bra out in front of her as if it was a prize.

"Just so you know, my sister found that in the sofa cushion when she visited a couple of weeks ago. Now she thinks I've been hooking up with someone."

"Hey! You should have called me. I'd love to meet your sister."

I winced and shook my head; not wanting my friendship with Jane to be something Mom or Alice would try to manage. Next thing you know, they'd be besties, talking on the phone, exchanging birthday gifts…

Ugh…when did I turn into a woman?

As a matter of fact, eating ice cream, watching DVDs while talking about relationship troubles?

Jesus…

"That's not the point," I answered, shaking those thoughts away, "Alice is really nosy,"

And best friends with the only girl I'll ever love…

"and once she gets something in her head, she's relentless."

She'll find out that I met Jane in rehab, and then tell Mom and Dad…

I can just imagine trying to explain that shit…

"Believe me; it's a good thing that she goes to school in California."

Jane shrugged. "Whatever."

"Okay, so goodnight."

"Nite."

As exhausted as I was, sleep was hard to come by. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Bella's face. The memory of the sad broken expression she wore as she walked away had me bolting from my bed.

Normally, I would fight the insomnia by watching a movie, but since Jane was sleeping on my sofa, my options were limited.

Not able to stand the four walls of my bedroom a moment longer, I decided to take a shower. As I let the warm water pour over my shoulders, relaxing the tense muscles there, I was taken back to the night Bella washed Daniel's blood from my body.

I leaned my forehead against the tile and allowed the tears to fall.

She was so good to me.

That night, she was hurting as well, but she had set her own feelings aside in order to take care of me.

And how had I repaid her?

I had broken us.

Worthless and selfish

Through therapy, I'd reached the point where I'd almost forgiven myself for Daniel's death, however I hadn't even broached the subject of what I'd done to Bella.

I took in a lungful of warm damp air and rubbed my hands over my face.

No matter what good I did in life from this point on, I knew I'd never be worthy of her love, but maybe, just maybe, I could earn the right to be her friend.

If she could ever forgive me…

The possibility gave me hope.

I wanted everything for Bella. I wanted her to be successful and happy. I wanted her to be surrounded by friends and family who loved her.

And I hoped, one day, to be included in their privileged company.

*
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world…

*******************A/N*******************Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta/prereading work. 

Song Recs: "Who Knew" by Pink and "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol

Jo March is the main character in Little Women. *spoiler* She falls in love with and marries a German professor. : )

Bella has lost a bit of her southern accent by this point. Blame it on college; happens to the best of us. lol